April 21, 2003 (idea)
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I've got an appointment to see a divorce lawyer at 0900. It's a very strange feeling. It's mostly good - the heavy, heavy burden about having to worry about how my decisions will affect my marriage has been completely lifted from my shoulders. I'm also finding myself looking at my soon-to-be-ex-husband with affection and pity rather than fear and hostility. I do care about hin, I want the best for him, and for the kids, and for me, and none of those things include me staying married to him.
The bad part is how hurt my daughter is about all this. I knew she would be. My kids love their daddy - I've made sure of that, excusing his defects and failures and reminding them of the good times they've had together. I've reassured my daughter that this changes nothing between her and her daddy, and I've explained to her that this doesn't have anything to do with her OR with Tony - it has to do with the fact that her daddy and I are too different and we can't live together in peace.
Anyway, I'm happy and at peace with this, except for my daughter's pain. I wish I could make it go away... the ever-elusive magic wand of parenting... *sigh*