My friend Michelle sent me a cd in the mail for her band Bedford
Drive. I haven't listened to it yet, because the lead singer of the band is my
ex-boyfriend Scott. He's on the verge of
marriage now, and is expecting a son any second. I haven't been able to listen to the cd because I'm still agitated by the idea of Scott getting on with everything in large stomping leaps. A new
relationship, a new place to live, a creative burst, a new role in life. It seems like it should have taken longer, for both of us maybe. I left and became involved in a new relationship, leaving behind bitter shreds for him to
play house with in the company of his new girlfriend. My old
bed, all kinds of our knick-knacks, things that neither of us knew what to do with. He picked it all up and turned it into songs, he apologized for the cheating and the lies, and he got on with his life.
So I'm a little
jealous. He was the bad guy in the relationship, and he admitted it. So why do I still care at all about what he gets or doesn't get? Why do I care at all? I want his life to be better in general. I don't want to be any part of it. I just have a morbid interest I guess in finding out why my life with Scott didn't work out the way that her life with Scott is working out. If I could see what happened in gory detail, I could avoid it in the future.
I'm moving in with my current boyfriend in a couple of weeks. We are tentatively planning on moving to
Boston after spending another year or so here in Phoenix. And then what? Scott and I lasted 3 years. John and I are pushing 2, and I don't want what happened before to happen again. How do you make things work, when you're not sure what went wrong or when? Can you fix hurtful immaturity? Does it manifest itself in different ways after a while? Blah.