March 16, 2001
A week and a few hours after going back to Kari (the counselor I saw a few times last semester when the stress overwhelmed me) and discussing antidepressants, specifically SSRI's, as a possible short-term strategy for getting through my last semester of college, I make the horrible mistake of actually telling my parents what I was thinking. Mom always asks "are you depressed?" but for some reason this time I didn't dodge the question, admitting yes, I have episodes of pretty severe depression, I've been seeing a counselor about it. Ever the pharmaceutical enthusiast, Mom immediately proceeds to ask whether Kari could get me "something chemical" to help with the moods. I explain I've been fighting that option, and then things become a blur. Within minutes I'm promising to make an appointment to talk to Kari's colleague, a psychiatrist who can evaluate me and make prescriptions if necessary, and minutes after hanging up on Mom and making that call, I'm back on the phone with Mom, who's arranging for me to talk to our G.P. so she can prescribe something in the meantime, since it turns out there's a 2-week waiting list to see the psychiatrist. After the second conversation, I email my doctor in an attempt to warn her of the impending Mom-attack, email a few friends about this latest development, and go to bed.

March 17, 2001
The phone calls begin at 7 in the morning. Mom: Dr. Wagner won't be in to call you till 8 or so my time. Fine, I say, and go back to sleep. Dr. Wagner calls around 8, and we speak for some time (I'd seen her in December and mentioned I'd been to counseling for depression, so this wasn't coming totally out of the blue). I decide to give the drugs a try, and she prescribes Celexa, 20 mg, once a day, probably for the next 2 months if it seems to help (we should know in 2 weeks), after which we'll taper off my doses. We hang up, I report the latest development to my parents, and Dr. Wagner phones my prescription in to the local pharmacy. We hang up, I call to report to my parents, and a few hours later I head into town for my drugs and a haircut. At around 3 pm, I take the first of the little peach-colored pills, with a boysenberry milkshake for moral support. Boy comes up to visit that night. Purr.

March 18-20, 2001
It's a relief just to have done something, I think. (Last semester I was downright elated to have gotten off my butt and spoken to Kari.) Unlike Friday, I didn't need to cry when Boy left. I don't know if it's placebo effect or what, but I'm waking up early in the mornings and getting drowsier than usual in the late afternoons and at night, so I find myself going to bed earlier. I have the definite feeling that my body chemistry is changing. I find myself thinking that if the chemistry's sorted out, maybe I'll be able to address some of the bad habits I formed while depressed (I still find myself consistently wanting to sleep in and avoid the world, for example). On the whole, my mood is pretty good, though I am noticing a bit more difficulty than usual masturbating to orgasm. Hrm.

March 21, 2001
I begin this diary in an attempt to sort out the impact of the drug on my life. As always, I find myself wondering how sick I really am. Denial? I don't know. Will discuss with Kari on Friday.

March 22, 2001
So much for waking up early, though it's probably my fault for staying up past my bedtime. I've decided to drop Abstract Algebra and deal with it in the fall. It's kind of a big relief.

March 23, 2001
Talked to Kari today, am generally feeling lots better. Thesis is suddenly starting to come along, which is happy.

March 24-28, 2001
Had a relaxing weekend, did (IMHO) a great thesis presentation on Monday (all my advisors who made it said I did a good job), am generally feeling good. On average, I feel my mood has improved leaps and bounds, and I definitely don't find myself stuck in as many obsessive/unhappy mental ruts. At the same time, I'm doing better at concentrating on things when I have to (like putting together my presentation slides and preparing the talk) but motivation is still low, which I'm increasingly inclined to chalk up to senioritis. I've also generally been giving myself less abuse about my behavior, maybe because I'm coming to terms with the fact that stress usually gets me sick, and this is just a different kind of sick, but now one that's being treated. Or maybe I'm just being a slacker? I'm not sure, but I think it's definitely better than beating myself up about every little mistake. Feels better, at any rate. I don't feel like my emotions are out of my control, which is cool. Except for the problems masturbating, I feel like I'm starting to be me again.

April 2, 2001
Saw Dr. Carter, staff psychiatrist at the student mental health center where I see Kari. He said my symptoms sound like cycling unipolar depression, and spoke well of my doctor's decision of what to prescribe me and related advice, so that was good to hear. He, however, strongly recommended I stay on Celexa for longer than the initially prescribed 2 or 3 months, since statistically it's pretty likely I'll relapse soon after weaning myself off the drug if I don't do a full treatment. Hrm.

April 5, 2001

Spoke to Kari a few hours ago, had to cry a few times. I feel like I've got a lot to cry about, a lot of pent-up emotion that it would be really therapeutic and helpful to release. But I'm really strongly in the habit of suppressing it, I guess, and besides, I really don't feel like I have time to work years of suppression/repression/whatever out of my system, what with thesis and other stuff to work on, even with drugs helping me stay out of tailspins (though I was just pretty much inert for an hour, which bums me). I feel like if I could learn to be more emotional, I'd be less moody. But I dunno. This is the first time I've come away from a session with Kari feeling worse than I did when I started, which troubles me. I'm feeling very tired and dull, very worn out, like trying to talk about why I'm depressed so I can figure out how to stop hurting myself took a lot out of me. Sigh. Must do work now, but I'm going to try for an early bedtime.

April 19, 2001
Fourth attempt to post something to this effect: Netscape and XWindows are both little bitches...
I've been on Celexa for more than a month now, no matter how you slice it, and the results are pretty much all good as far as I'm concerned, as I wrote my G.P. a few days ago. Even the sexual side effects don't seem to be giving me as much trouble as before. Go me! The one bummer is that it doesn't seem to be helping my migraines any; yesterday my head was thrummy and I went to bed at 10 when I couldn't concentrate anymore; today I'm definitely running a low-level migraine; I've got the light and sound sensitivity and the dizziness/difficulty keeping my balance all over. At least it seems to hurt less than usual. And really, if that's all I've got to complain about, life is pretty good. And it is. Back to thesis with me.

May 9, 2001
I'm done. I've handed in all my papers and finals and above all my thesis... I'm done. Oh, I'll be taking one more class in the fall to finish out my undergraduate degrees (two majors for the price of one class, who'd'a thunk it?) but I'm done. It's weird, as I daylogged on May 5, 2001. I had my last appointment with Kari on April 27, and my last visit with Dr. Carter on May 7, which got me prescribed another month of Celexa, just in case... I'll be seeing Dr. Wagner on May 18 to talk strategies for longterm mental health. But on the whole I feel like things are under control, depression-wise. On the other hand, I saw a description of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder a few days ago, and it described me uncomfortably well: the making lists, holding myself to unreasonable standards and occasionally paralyzing myself with the need for perfection and keeping up with all my obsessions, all that. So I'm going to learn more about that, since it seems like that's what I am and what I have to deal with, whereas my depression has been more of a bout of temporary illness, even when I felt unsure if it would ever end. Yeah.

June 14, 2001
Life has settled down to normal after running around in circles, walking across a stage as the dean of faculty mispronounced my name, entertaining my family, going to the ol' homestead in NJ for a huge party, and visiting with Peter's parents. I was hugely depressed when the hippie fast food place didn't want to hire me, but since then, no major emotional outbursts. In fact I've been really happy lately, so I'm going to be trying to cut down on my Celexa dosage: instead of 20 mg every 24 hours, I'm trying 20 mg every 36 hours, unless I feel myself getting down. Tuesday night, for instance, I was getting very sluggish and unmotivated and stuff, plus I could feel a migraine coming on, so I took a pill after only 32 hours. I feel like I'm trying to break a drug addiction or something, and maybe I am. It's weird. Writing about my depression on a health insurance application was oddly stressful, too. Maybe I should be seeing someone; I know I'm a little antsy about just trusting the drugs to be taking care of me. I dunno.

August 13, 2001
Update: see SSRI discontinuation syndrome. Everything I said about breaking a drug addiction is way true. Withdrawal can suck it.

August 16, 2001
Fuck. I feel like shit. The worst of the dizzy spells are done; I was able to drive today (I wouldn't have felt safe doing so at the beginning of the week) but I'm depressed. I know cessation syndrome can look a lot like a relapse of the depression or whatever it is you were prescribed an SSRI for, but this just... I dunno. I just gave in and took half a 20-mg tablet, and I'm not at all sure it was the right thing to do and I'm beating myself up for that, too. Bleaugh. I think I'll let myself have a good cry before going out tonight; being social is going to be hard.

October 18, 2001
nobody knows what serotonin does, exactly. but right now i'm off celexa, and that means my body's absorbing serotonin like nobody's business and i find myself feeling all fucked up. bleaugh.

November 1, 2001
God(dess) damn, it feels good to be off Celexa.