i went to the state fairgrounds today and i felt something (someone?) that i had left there a long time ago. digging through gardens of old memories, i discovered that there was nothing really marvelous about this place, that time, when i discovered another world existed.
there is always that moment when you feel like your head is going to explode and all of your little secrets are going to float away on the wind and you will be exposed, standing naked in front of the classroom full of little snickering boys. i relived that moment and this time i really had a chance to understand why i was so scared. why i didn't want them to know...
i haven't been myself lately. i think i've been slowly wavering between my two identities, the one that is quite introverted and intelligently random, and the other who is abusive, sarcastic, and sometimes outspoken. on everything, i am only the first--none of you have ever witnessed the old me. i thought i had forgotton her, but standing where that ferris wheel had stood, feeling as if i were being twirled around in a sea of cotton-candy and pulled taffy, i found her.
and i was scared...
that makes me wonder if she is somehow a part of me, if i need her to survive, to be me. i doubt it. i think it was just that marvelous moment in the fading dusk when they asked me if i had ever done this and i lied and i couldn't bring myself back from that lie and i lived it and now my soul was borne on the open air forever to haunt those who chose the same path.
fairs are lovely. everyone should go to one at least once a year.