So you want to chemically treat
an animal skin
to make it near-impervious
? Try this:
- Get a cow. Or a calf. Or sheep. A goat, lamb, kid, horse, pig, kangaroo, deer, reptile, seal, or walrus will also do, just make sure you're not violating the Endangered Species Act.
- Skin it.
- Cure the skin with wet salt or brine.
- Soak in water to remove salt, dirt, blood, bits of muscle and sinew, etc.
- Separate the skin from any inner surface.
- Scrape hair off, either mechanically or with a dull knife (You may wish to make this process easier by soaking the skin in a solution of lime and water containing a small amount of sodium sulfide for a few days).
- Delime the skins, if necessary, with a weak acid bath.
- Treat with a bating material if you wish your skin to be supple and flexible.
- Tan the skin, either with tannin, in a series of increasingly concentrated solutions, or with a chromium-sulfate solution (pickle the bated skin first in a salt and acid mixture) by immersion.
- Infuse with oil, grease, wax, and/or dye.
- Let dry.
- Brush, sand, or varnish to your desired finish.
You've got leather!
And this, from the lame joke department:
Useful word for this punchline: "Leather? Leather? I don't even know her!"
Repeat until you get a laugh. Especially if you're the kind of person who is desperate for attention.
Somebody slap me please.