Just having a strange morning. I feel very sad, down, depressed, all of a sudden - after seeing M. last night? I don't know why yet. So much is going on.
Feelings about coming out, the box society puts you in if you aren't hetero/homogenized, don't tell anyone, don't show anything - it's quite oppressive. I don't like it, and I resent the hell out of it.
Feelings about M. We met last night and talked about the breakup. It was hard to see him knowing it was over. He was really sad. It was so strange, feeling all of my love for him, and yet not wanting him romantically any more. He looked really cute (even sad) with his beard and mustache cut off, and his two new earrings in one ear. Very cute. Why do I feel so sad today, come on, what's going on? I am sitting here, letting the feeling flow, and I don't know why... (6/1/01 - Looking back, it's obvious I'm sad about M. and the loss of my best friend/boyfriend/lover. Still sad today.)
I'm feeling alone like I did a few weeks ago when I first integrated. No voices, no presences popping in and out of consciousness. Just quiet solitude and the little "oh, don't forget to do that!" I feel so alone - losing M. permanently in that way, finally hearing him talk about dating others, finding some one, and I'm so sure he will eventually find some one, and she will be beautiful inside. Saying goodbye may be really hitting me at last.
Saying goodbye last night felt close and awkward at the same time. I feel really sad, feel a big loss.