So much going on in my RL right now! I had another (yes, the third date) with her last night. We had dinner and talked. I can tell that she (ok, I am too) is falling in love with me. That heady, infatuational/crush/intense heart-soul connection thing is racing full speed ahead. It was very interesting last night, because I could really feel my fear of closeness overcoming my infatuation, overtaking it and subduing it.
I know I don't want to have feelings I can't control. And at the same time, what else is love if not controllable? There is so much going on - this is the first woman I've ever kissed, the first woman I've had serious sexual fantasies and longings for, and I don't even know if I'll like it! (I think I will.)
And I still love Michael, I don't want to be with him in terms of a relationship, but I love him. And I'm not ready for a dating relationship that is only one person, and involves sex. I can feel that I'm not emotionally ready. Because once sex gets involved, my feelings will skyrocket. And they are already pretty intense.
I walked my dog this morning and tried to really feel everything and not shut it up. I felt fear, fear of being hurt by her. It isn't a reality based fear, but one based on my childhood. I really felt it though, and it feels old. I feel a little less intense about her today, however, that may be partially due to the very bad news I got today from my doctor.
My uterus is enlarged. I have fibroids, and apparently they're so big, it's pressing on other organs in my abdomen. My doctor couldn't even feel my ovaries. I wasn't scared, just kind of upset at first, now I am starting to feel a little scared. I've basically been in shock all day. And not willing at all to deal with all this emotional stuff.
I've just been calling all my friends, my mom, my sister asking for support and advice. Which I have gotten. I am having the ultrasound done next week - the doctor did a quick one in the office and said, "See that? There it is." Uh - no, doc, actually: I can't make out anything except shadows and shapes.