I can't imagine a more boring exercise than depression. I don't
like talking about it to anyone because
1) I have met less than 5
people in my life that could talk about their depression and not be
deadly dull and 2) It is difficult to put into words. Since most people
have heard others try and fail to describe it, most people hate hearing about
your depression.
I was sitting in the car, slightly reclined, a
book in my lap. I was fictionalizing the surroundings,
something I do when I'm trying to will myself into a different mood. I
was attempting to find an accurate description for the light
distribution in the parking lot, and dusk-light was unacceptable. The
sun was:
- Still in the sky, but a softer yellow than it is at noon.
- Partially obstructed by the building I was parked in front of.
- Slowly dropping into the horizon.
The
entire area seemed to be half-shadow/half-light and I didn't have the
proper vocabulary for what I was seeing. I'm certain an artist or a
scientist would have a set of terms for the phenomena, but I had no
language to wrap it up into. Light is so hard to convey in writing.
I
wished for cold. I wished I lived in the north, where everything of
importance happens. I imagined what I looked like, sitting in the car,
my hands in my mouth. I have a tooth in my bottom row that is out of
place; when I am nervous or bored I pinch it with my thumb and
forefinger and try to shift it over to its proper station. One of my
incisors on the top row is slightly closer to my lips, like the two of
them are running a race with a photo finish. When I am anxious, I drag
a finger nail from the first tooth down to its 2nd place friend; it
makes a popping/tapping sound.
I wished I lived in a place with an active music scene. I wished I could make a documentary. I wanted something to happen.
I want something to happen.