It is sometimes very difficult to provide levels of separation for the neuroses of a given a person, especially from an introspective perspective. In what ways do I create my own madness, a prison, and in what ways do I alleviate my self? Do I build every brick from mortar and ice, or is it built around me, from tertiary parties and unnamed goons-- hand me downs from generation to generation. At what point do I cease to make sense to others, at what point to myself? Is this sense-making my own undoing, is the nonsense-making my own salvation? Why'd I even start with thinking about this road, the comparisons to roads, the striving for metaphor, the limitation of experience through the degradation of comparison. I'm like Joe, and I've got a brain cloud. The forecast is woozy, and the temperature so cold, stark like death's last throes before madness. For even death can go mad. This is no way to start a node in celebration of the meet that was our Columbus-Day-Gathering. Well, it's one way. But there are other ways, just as their are x endings to A Confederate General From Big Sur. Some days they drop like flies.
I had fun. I limited my self to the single evening of Saturday to be associated, for reasons of my own, eroneous, but in some ways adding a golden star to my life. I met numerous peoples of whom I had previously no association with besides the fifteen characters I type religiously into any web browser I find.
So, there's this idea of miscomplication that I put forth sloppily at the heavenly nodeslam. It belongs in the list of known errors in our lives, this ability to miscomplicate the apparatus that is the mind: I gave my self a migraine. I didn't want to read reality incompatibility matrix. I was thinking of getting home by eleven o'clock. All these things were complications, but misused, misplanned. Life is often a series of these, government essentially being a vast conspiracy of miscomplications, set about on the structure of miscalculations, and in the midst of life we are in debt, etc.
During the nodeslam I went on an incredibly intense path. One of my few points of comparison is the scene towards the end of Parenthood. Steve Martin's character has had the thought of a roller-coaster implanted within his brain, and during the course of a performance he lives the coaster, emotions all amuck in perplexity--an existential moment, if you will. There was this definitive thread running through the semi-randomly distributed order of spoken writeups, this theme of first: identity. Then the establishment of a truer state of existence (an iDEATH of sorts), more criticism of the current regimented state, and further the ultimate question: are you a thinker or are you a doer?
I've miscomplicated my life many times over; there are so many layers of theorization and passivity in me, so many times I have shirked from real life, in so many ways I have failed my duty as an "aware" human being. In essence, I am almost always wasting my valuable potential, in fear of... what exactly? And here I was, giving my self a migrane, going through the rollercoaster of my life, a temporary state of madness cum identity crisis--you know, the normal state of affairs, but more intense-- the nodeslam somehow seemed to take me through this journey, and by the time I got to the otherside I felt okay again.
I thank everyone who read for particpating in the unfolding narrative of my life, of their own lives, of everyone's.
So, in turn, I made it through the night somehow, much to the thanks of my trusty lungs, and the kind words and actions of a few most precious noders. Though I floated more than anything, avoid in my own personal headspace and tumult in spontaneous word combustion, I most definitly had a superb time. Dinner with conform was an impromptu pleasure, meeting panamaus was surprising-- sometimes I feel like I'm not even here on this site, and am shocked to find that so many people were even familar with my name at all (besides the Portland crew of course). That's the transparency problem again. I hope you all got ahold of the flamingweasel-dTS mix cd as well.