A
student is finally
parting with his
teacher, off to make his own way in this
crazy, mixed-up world. On the final day of his
instruction, the two go for a walk in a snowy wood.
The teacher hands the student a book. "This is my book," he explains to the student. "It's a painstaking transcription of the truth of all I have taught you. In it are guidelines on how to be truly independent, truly free."
The student accepts the book silently.
When the two returned to the school, the student chucks the book into the nearest fire.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" the teacher exclaims.
"What the fuck are you saying?!" the student replies.
For two years, an elderly matron sponsored a monk who was striving for human perfection and enlightenment. To test his progress, she secretly hires a girl to seduce the monk.
The girl goes to the monk. The two are alone. "I've been watching you," the girl says. "I've fallen in love with you. I yearn for you, I need you. Please, leave your matron and marry me."
The monk remains unmoved. "I'm above such worldly concerns," he says.
The girl leaves, and returns to the matron. She reports what had happened.
"Well," the matron replies, "it's best he didn't accept you, but he didn't have to be a dick about it. He's spent two years in isolation on my budget, and he hasn't even learned not to be an asshole."
She immediately sends the monk packing.
A roshi and his buddy from India (who was himself, of course, a yogi) are taking a walk along the beach. In the distance, they see an island, and on that island is an ice cream stand. Now, it's a hot day, and the venerable masters agree to go to the island and cool off with a nice lime sherbet.
The yogi says, "For thirty years, I secluded myself in a monastary, high in the hills of Nepal. Every day I would walk on hot coals, hang myself from the ceiling with fish-hooks, and eat feathers. After my thirty-year seclusion was over, I had the ability to walk on water."
The roshi says, "Why the crap would you do all that? The ferry only costs ten bucks. I could've gone to that island and back a million times on the ferry, in the time it took you to learn how to cross the water at all. You must be some kind of retard."