Bulimia is one of the most frightening addicting diseases. Who could possibly think that throwing your
fingers down your throat could be such a satisfying feeling.
I remember a year or so ago eating at Pizzeria Uno ((sorry to get too terribly person but I think a lot of people with that problem relate)), I was getting nervous because time was ticking by and I still had food in my stomach, it had to have been the most horrify terrifying feeling. I had had an eating disorder for about a year and I was used to eating waiting 15 minutes or so and then getting rid of it -- that's what I called it -- get rid of -- as casual as throwing it away in the trash. No big deal.
So on this night at Uno's I went into the bathroom, did the usual routine, made sure no one was in there, kneeled on the floor and stuck my fingers down my throat. By this time I had learned to throw-up silently, as not to arouse suspicion or concern. So I'm kneeling on the floor in this tiny little bathroom stall, vomiting pizza skins and salad - eyeliner streaming down my face from the force of my retching.
I wiped my fingers off - flushed the toilet, went over to the sink to rinse my mouth, pop some altoids in, fix my make-up and reddened, watering eyes, wiped the vomit out of the front strands of my hair - smiled at myself, thinking it was good to have gotten rid of all that food - I'd lost 40 pounds in three months - due to this, anorexia and excessive exercise.
And then I started to cry - thin and hysterical - crying and hopeless because even when I wanted to I couldn't stop - even when I said that would be the last time - even when my closest friends implored me to get help - I didn't listen. And that is why I cried. My chest hurt, my stomach hurt and I felt like I was going to die.