Friends of Behr I report good news and bad news to you today. I will give the bad news first so that you may be brought down by it and then uplifted by the good news that follows it so that the bell curve of the intense emotions you will feel when reading your friend Behr's report will end on an up note and you will leave happy at the end of the reading rather than upset or angry like a child.
Friend Behr was dismissed from his position as a fully tenured professor of ethics in the Greater Maryland University System earlier this month. The irony of this was that the firing, which I am told was rubber stamped by Maryland governor Tommy Carcetti himself (I do not endorse his political views so we are at odds), was over "ethics violations" stemming from my side business of collecting sensitive information about students and then charging them a nominal fee not to make the information public. Once again the Democrats have worked overtime to shut down a legitimate business that makes money because they don't believe in honest work. This is mostly ironic because as a fully tenured professor of ethics it is my job to define ethics for young people, so if I define ethics how can I violate my own definitions? It goes against the laws of physics to do so and therefore is impossible. I plan to appeal and have written to Chief Justice John Roberts to come to my aid.
And so that is the bad news. The good news is that my firing has given me time to work on other more profitable business ventures. I have started a new operation I think will be highly profitable. I am running it out of the Civil War Action Figures, Ltd. offices (as this business operates on similar principles and I can save money by using the CWAF stationary and just whiting out the name). Since CWAF, Ltd. is currently in shut down mode due to government investigation I figure the empty offices could use some company. This new operation involves everyone's favorite place: Outer Space.
I've been thinking a lot about outer space recently, having watched some documentaries on the cable. I am already in discussions with some investor friends about selling tickets for rides on the space shuttle, with kids being the main target since they won't try to sue when they find out the tickets won't be honored by NASA which controls the space shuttle. Good and reliable friend Chopper suggests that we can get the kids to believe the tickets are for a Russian space shuttle and then have them fly to Russia where they will find no space shuttle to ride on and no way home. That is probably the best plan for avoiding legal action, but it also involves actually getting plane tickets, which might be too much bother. I'm going to sleep on it, but I imagine this will earn me an extra $50,000 a month in non-taxable income if I do it right. Chopper wants to get in on the deal, but when it comes to venture capital he doesn't have a pot to piss in, as they say in internet speak.
I am also working late into the night on my movie script. I am writing a James Bond movie script called Porkfist (one day someone will do a review of my movie here and you will be able to find it by clicking on that link which is pretty exciting). It features a villain named Porkfist who had his hand badly mangled in a factory accident as a young man and now wants to stop industry and make the world go back to an agrarian culture (I know - it makes me shudder as well which is why it is a GREAT idea for a villain). I expect this movie will be made and released in 2011 so look for it. In the footnotes for the script I note that I am willing to play the role of Porkfist even though it is complete against type for me.