In the last couple days I have done some serious reflection. And I have decided that I have been faking myself to a high enough degree that I am not comfortable with what I do day to day.
It came about gradually. I started being fake because I was afraid to say something about things I disagreed with. And to do something different than those around me. And then I sort of got into the habit of not doing what was right for me, but doing what was right for those around me.
Specifically, I have not exercised or expressed myself creatively or used my social skills enough. Thinking that I didn't need to because others didn't seem to need to, I went on with their life style.
But as of last night I realise that in order for me to be happy, I need to do these things. It seems silly, but my happiness does rest on regular exercise, cooking and eating healthy food, keeping good contact with the friends I have, meeting new friends and playing with materials to express myself. I had forgotten that these things are a priority.
It scares me though, for some reason. I'm afraid that the real me won't mesh with my boyfriend, or my parents, or my job or people at work. But then I realised that if the real me doesn't mesh with them, then thats their problem. I will be happier with them when I am genuine. What a revelation!
Anyways, I don't know how I forgot this lesson. I'm pretty sure I have known it at different points, but how I forget it, is rediculous! So hopefully putting it here, I can refer back to it, when I notice I'm getting uncomfortable with myself again.