Sorrow...
A good friend of mine recently taught me that it's not always a bad thing. That it can be a beautiful thing.
I'm always afraid of crying. Because of some unfortunate chemical imbalances, I'm never sure if it's for the right reasons. There's nothing more frightening than being home alone with a million things racing through your head, wailing like a little girl with a skinned knee, wondering if you're nuts, or just having a bad fucking day.
It was a fairly benign evening of beer and a good jukebox. We went back to his place and had some wine as I experienced his "world". I won't share the intricacies of his "world" as that is his private domain and not to shared with the noding world. We talked about our lives and the ongoing tradegy that they are. Slowly things became more and more somber.
Like I said, I don't like to cry (who does?), but I HATE to cry in front of other people. Tonight it was okay. It was more than okay, it was fantastic. Not in the moment, but the aftermath. I have never felt so unburdened. Every time before I felt unchanged, or worse because I felt foolish for crying in the first place. But this time...this time I confessed my "stupid" woes to another human being who didn't try to tell me it was okay. He didn't try to soothe me with empty platitudes or offer bad advice, he just sat there, quietly sympathetic.
I've never felt so close to this man in my life. There was always wierdness between us for reasons that will not be disclosed to protect my misplaced pride. This moment of (percieved) weakness put me at ease with him. Let me care about him fully, without reservation, and without feeling odd about it. For the first time he became a "good friend of mine". Someone I can talk to and not be ashamed.
I saw the beauty of feeling. Pain became beautiful. Not in an artsy, goth sort of way, but because it reaffirmed that I was alive. And with extreme pain, comes extreme joy, the balance of the universe dictates that if I feel this shitty, I'm bound to experience at least one pure moment of blissful happiness. Something I look foward to.
I know that you're out there somewhere, "good friend of mine", thank you.