This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
"On The Radio" Regina Spektor
I have secrets.
I want to write about them. Mostly because I can't forget about them. Things I've done, things I haven't, people I've known
and kissed and loved, and dreams that have bounced around my brain that nobody has even seen.
I want to write about these things, but I can't. In some ways, I am always writing about them, in every last letter, because they are part of me, and I am in everything I put to print. But I can't bring myself to really set them on view, to let them exist in any form other than hidden meanings in twisted syllables
But I want to.
I want to say, "I never lied to you, I just let you believe I did because it was easier for you to let go
if you hated me"
I want to say, "I regret giving up school for a marriage that never happened."
I want to say, "I have a whirlwind of mixed feelings
whenever I'm around people with children because of how close I came to having one."
I want to tell the whole story of that child that wasn't, the night I took the test, how I finally had my moment of calm, quiet acceptance, and how I didn't tell anyone the truth, that I had a miscarriage, until years later. Not even my mother. I just let her believe it was only a scare, and went to the doctor to confirm it by myself, because it was easier for me to be alone
than have to deal with someone else's feelings on the subject.
I want to say, "I am still, in so many ways, so completely in love with you that it simultaneously destroys me and keeps me going
I want to say these things. To write them in poetic prose, and have it be cathartic. I want to have new secrets
, and write those too, so I can always feel as though I am coming closer to myself
We'll see. We'll see. This is a start.