It was a normal day for Jane at Mr. Slippet's KnickKnack Shop -- until, that is, the strange box was delivered.
"Got a delivery!" yelled the delivery man at the back door. Jane opened it and took the box from the blue-clad old man. She thanked him and he sauntered off. She looked at it, curious. It was heavy and quite large. With her arms all the way down at her waist, the top of the box came up to her forehead. It was a dirty green color and smelled like peppermint. It also--
"WE GOT A DELIVERY?!" screamed a voice from the other room, violently shaking her from her ponderous thoughts on the box. In rushed a short man with ridiculously large glasses, a green-and-white-striped shirt, baggy blue jeans, and wild, crazy-wild purple hair.
"Yes," Jane replied as she moseyed on over to the stacks of other recent deliveries near the back of the room. She carefully set the box down, even though she would have much rather just dropped it. You never know, though, if something in it is--
"AH, IT CAME?!?!" he screamed again.
"Mr. Yells, I'm almost standing right next to you!" Jane said. "Must you --?"
"IT CAME!!" yelled Mr. Yells and he scampered off back to the main room. He almost ran into Cutie Petootie as she was daintily crossing through the doorway and into the delivery room.
"What the sploog is it?" asked the little blonde girl in the pink dress with white frill. She held her little dolly in one little hand and absently twirled around one of her pigtails with the other as she looked upon the strange new box.
"I don't know," Jane said. "Mr. Yells does, but I didn't get a chance to ask him what it is."
"That's a shame that he didn't tell you," Cutie Petootie said airily. "Me, I hate asking Mr. Yells anything."
"You and me both," Jane said as she bent down to examine the box more carefully.
"You know," Cutie Petootie said, "you should really put this box over there. This is where the small boxes are."
"Hey, this box is heavy!" Jane said. "It's not going anywhere. This job is hard enough. I don't get paid to stand there and look cute like you do."
"Well, it is fortunate for me that United Standing-Around Cuties Local 101 specifically states that I'm not to be lifting anything, I'll admit," Cutie Petootie said, "but somebody really should move that box."
Jane sighed. "Your job also doesn't require giving orders. Wanna help me open it, though? You can help open boxes, right?"
"As long as I'm cute while I do it," Cutie Petootie said, smiling. "I can't wait to see what's inside!"
Jane grabbed a nearby
box cutter and sliced the tape on top. Cutie Petootie reached up and daintily plucked at the top of it, indeed looking very cute as she opened the left flap. Jane grinned as she opened up the right flap.
Suddenly, the box shook with a mean fury. People started jumping out of it! Out popped a scary-looking fellow with a bright orange beard and hair to match. He wore a plaid kilt and carried a set of bagpipes. Following him was a tall, serious-looking pale man dressed in a fine business suit, carrying a briefcase and talking on his cell phone. And then following him a Native American jumped out, dressed in full native regalia complete with a full feathered head dress and moccasins. When he reached the ground he began to hop around yelling "Hay yo yo yo hay ho yo yo..!" After that peculiar box-person out popped a dark-skinned young main with a black skull cap, gold teeth, and gold and silver jewelry around his neck and fingers. He wore basketball shorts, shoes, and a basketball shirt, and, upon hitting the floor, began rapping incoherently.
After a brief pause, which allowed Jane and Cutie Petootie to breathe, more people started to fly out of the top of the box. There was a young giggly blonde girl in a cheerleader outfit who said "Like, omigosh!" over and over again. There was an Indian-looking fellow carrying a Slurpie who, upon popping out, pointed to Cutie Petootie and asked "How much for the leetle girl?" After him out came a short Japanese man with large teeth. Many others rushed out after him: a dark-haired main in an apron covered in pasta sauce yelling "Mama Mia!," a tall yodeling man in green overalls, two guys in hockey uniforms beating each other senseless, a dark-skinned woman yelling "Don't go there, girlfriend!" and "Talk to the hand!," and a white-haired old man waving a Bible and yelling racial and anti-gay epithets in a deep Southern accent.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" exclaimed Mr. Yells as he rushed into the room. "SPLOOG! YOU'VE OPENED IT! YOU'VE OPENED IT!"
"Opened what?" exclaimed Jane.
"THE BOX OF STEREOPTYPES!!"
"Box of stereotypes?" Jane said. "You can put stereotypes in a--?"
"MR. SLIPPET!!!" Mr. Yells said, waving his arms around frantically. "COME QUICK! THEY'VE OPENED THE BOX OF STEREOTYPES!"
Lickety-split, in popped their boss, Mr. Slippet, the tall, thin man with the short, thin moustache and greasy, slicked-back black hair. A burning cigar was caught between clenched rows of yellow teeth. "What the sploog is going on?!" he asked in his high, nasal voice.
"THEY'VE OPENED--!"
"Yes, I know, I heard you Mr. Yells!" interrupted Mr. Slippet. "And so did everybody in the next county!" He gave Mr. Yells two quick slaps to the face. "Quiet down, I'm getting tired of slapping you.!"
Mr. Slippet quickly glanced around the room. "Good sploogle! Look at this mess! Stereoptype boxes are only supposed to be opened by the customer! We'll never get them back in! Who's responsible for this?"
Jane timidly raised her hand. "Uh, well, I wanted to--"
"JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!" said Mr. Yells, turning to face her.
Mr. Slippet grabbed his shoulders, turned him back around, and gave him two more sharp slaps to the face. "Mr. Yells, there's no need for that kind of language!" Then he turned to Jane. "Why the sploog did you open it, you whimsical tramp?!"
"We were just curious about what was inside," said Cutie Petootie. "I helped her."
"But it was your idea, I see!" Mr. Slippet said, raising his eyebrows at Jane. "And you, Cutie Petootie, I pay you to look cute, not open boxes!"
"Mr. Slippet," Jane said sternly, "Mr. Yells didn't tell me what it was! I didn't know it was a stereotype box! If it was so important that it not be opened, why --"
"Mr. Yells!" exclaimed Mr. Slippet. "You didn't tell them!? What the sploog is the matter with you?" He grabbed Mr. Yells and slapped him a few more times, knocking his glasses off. As he bent down to pick them up, Mr. Slippet kicked him in the ass, too, which sent him tumbling down to the floor.
"I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DIDN'T KNOW!"
Mr. Slippet turned to Jane. "You didn't tell him that you didn't know he didn't know you knew what it was?"
"Uhhh," Jane said, unsure of how to answer. The stereotype wearing the basketball clothing and jewelry drew a silver handgun and began waving it around.
"Gonna bust a cap in yo ass," he said in a low voice.
"He's got a gun!" squeaked Cutie Petootie. She hugged her dolly close to her, expressing her terror in just the cutest little way.
"Mm mm!" said the stereotyped woman next to him. "Don't go there! Nuh-uh! No you didn't!"
"Yes, I'll have the Jenkins file in the morning," said the pale man to his cell phone. "I really want to be in the loop on this. Keep me posted! There's a guy here with a gun...yes, right! We should form a committee on it!"
"This is a nightmare!" Mr. Slippet sputtered.
"Nightmares come from the spirit of the angry bear in the forest," said the Native American stereotype thoughtfully.
"I didn't know that he didn't know that I didn't know that he didn't know that I didn't know what was in the box!" Jane declared.
"What?!" Mr. Slippet said, grabbing Mr. Yells again. "Is this true?!"
"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHE DIDN'T--!"
Mr. Slippet interrupted him with three more quick, painful-sounding slaps. "Be quiet, Mr. Yells! I don't care who knew what now! We need to get these back in the box!"
"How?" Jane said as she looked at the gun-toting stereotype nervously. The yodeling one startled her when he yodeled in her ear.
"Mr. Yells!"
"YES MR. SLIPPET?!"
"You start herding them back to the box!" Mr. Slippet ordered. "You, Jane, keep the box open! You, Cutie Petootie..."
"Yes?" Cutie Petootie asked him extremely cutely.
"You stand there and look extra cute!" Mr. Slippet barked. "Now...hmm... STINKY!"
In shuffled a short, mole-looking man with red suspenders.
"Stinky, you help Mr. Yells herd!" Mr. Slippet ordered him.
Phuuurrrrraaaaapppp-eeeeeet! replied Stinky.
"Aw, for the love of Sploogle!" Mr. Slippet said, his face wrinkled up in disgust. "Get some help for that, Stinky! But first, help Mr. Yells!"
Rrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeep! said Stinky as he waddled over to Mr. Yells.
"WHO FARTED?!" bellowed Mr. Yells.
"Who do you think?" Mr. Slippet snapped at Mr. Yells. "Now get to herding, you two!"
"The spirit of buffalo dung is strong today," the Native American stereotype said. He began to back away from Stinky and Mr. Yells and toward the box as they approached him.
"Eeewwwww, Stinky!" said Cutie Petootie as she held her little nose in an extremely cute way.
"Somethin smell funky, someone dun stunky," rapped the rapper stereotype as he backed away from them as well.
"Like, that was just, like, totally rude!" said the cheerleader as she backed toward the box, too.
"Satan is upon us!" yelled the Bible-waving stereotype. "The foul stench of Hell itself cometh from that man! The homosexuals must've sent him!"
"Mama Mia!" exclaimed the pasta man.
"Ohh, ya stank, lad!" yelled the bagpipe man in his thick Scottish accent. "Ye're burnin me nose hairs off!"
The hockey guys both accused the other of farting and began beating each other even more. But even they were forced closer to the box.
Feeeeerrrrrrrreeeeeeeeep!
"No you didn't!"
"Listen, can I call you back? I've hit a snag. Can you get that Jenkins file to me in the morning? Notify the project manager that something stinks. Uh-huh..."
"How much for the leetle-- oh Allah! what is-- Oh! Oh! It is smelling very much bad in here!"
"OH SNOOGLE IT STINKS! GET IN THE BOX, YOU STEREOTYPES!"
After several more minutes of herding, finally they were all back inside the box. Jane shut it quickly before they got out again and sealed it with packing tape.
"Whew!" Jane said, extremely relieved. "Glad that's over!"
"I was soooooo scared," Cutie Petootie said, hugging her dolly in an obscenely cute way.
Thhhhpppttppppppttteerraaaaaagh! Stinky agreed.
"And I'm glad you're OK," Jane said, putting her arm around Cutie Petootie. Her eyes even started watering. It wasn't because she was emotional, though.
"Holy Spoog, Stinky!" Mr. Slippet said, his face puckered in revulsion. "What have you been eating?!"
Skrrreeeeee!
"THAT WAS STINKY!" Mr. Yells said, pointing to Stinky.
"Thank you, Dr. Obvious!" Mr. Slippet exclaimed.
"MY NAME'S NOT DR. OBVIOUS, IT'S MR. YEL-!"
SLAP! "Yes, I know what your name is!"
"It smells like poo in here!" Cutie Petootie said, crinkling her nose in a positively cute way.
"Open some windows, everybody, then get back to work!" Mr. Slippet ordered. "We've got a knickknack shop to run here. Now let's sell some knick knacks!"
"LET'S SELL SOME--!"
SMACK!