Tyler Evans
, Grade 6, Cedar Ridge Middle School
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy

Santa Claus

Vichizzle: Well ho, ho, ho, Hos! It be Christmas time again. Izz time fo freezin yo ass off, prezzents, and that big fatass ridin around in thuh air in his fly sleigh pulled by them "eight tiny reindeer" givin shit to the chillins while visions of dime bags be dancin in they heads. What do I think about Clawwz? Well, in they immortalizin words of Insane Clown Posse, "Santa's a fat bitch!"

Now, I know there ain't no Santa (sorry, chillins!) but if they was, there'd be serious doubtification if he would evah drive that ringlin', jinglin' ho-wagon over to thuh ghetto, cuz those kids ain't evah get shit! And dat's one thing that thuh ICP gots right! You see, he only give toyz to thugh "good" boyz and girls, but what, izz he thuh ultimate world deciduh of what's good and what's bad? Sheeeeeeeeeaaat! He'd be like most richass white folk in judgin what be right and wrong and I thinks we can all agree that Santa must be a fuckin billionare like that Trump muthafucka.

And let me acks you dis, my Chrismtas crackahs, why he always like to hang out wit them elves anyway? There's some Michael Jackson shit goin on there, dat what I say! Maybe we renames him Pedo Claus, sheeeeeaattt! Little Hermey prolly wantin' to be a dentist to get the fuck away from Santa's molestin mittons! And further dat, maybe Santa and Yukon Cornelius be diggin fo mo than silver and gold, knowhaddi'msayin?! Yeah dat right, I thinks you do! And, shit, maybe things even mo fucked up than dat! I mean, whaddup wit them reindeer anyway? Maybe they ain't just be pullin duh sleigh, maybe Ol' Saint Nick be ridin 'em, too! I don't even wanna know what he do to Rudolf to get his nose to light up like dat! Hey, hey, listen up, befo y'all get yo panties bunched, the dude live on the North Fucking Pole, y'all! The fat bitch be freezin his balls off and only gets out one time a year and all he got to fuck is that old Mrs. Claus hag! It not a fa stretch!

Tyler: Santa Claus is a mythical Christmas figure that I think originally came from Saint Nicholas, this saint who lived a really long time ago who gave toys and stuff to children. My dad doesn't like the whole Santa thing. He doesn't like how we tell the kids that the presents come from him and they get all worked up with Santa and forget the real reason for the season, as he says. Which is Jesus I guess. I have a teacher, though, who says that Jesus was born in the spring actually so I don't know why we celebrate his birth on the wrong date and when it's so cold. My dad told me that that teacher was full of shit and not to listen to him anymore.

But anyway. Because my dad wasn't so keen on the whole Santa thing he told me there wasn't any Santa when I was only six. My mom got real mad at him, I remember, when he told me. And I cried a lot about that. She got really REALLY mad when he told me to tell all of my classmates, too. Well, I didn't, cuz later my mom told me I shouldn't do that.

But Santa's cool I guess, even though he isn't real, how jolly he's supposed to be, how he gives presents away. I mean, he's not telling people they're going to Hell for not believing in him like Jesus does. And that's a big plus for the fat guy in red.

The other day we were at Walgreen's shopping for some ornament hooks and present labels and my dad saw that they had this singing Santa that was black. You should've seen how mad he got! He started yelling about how Santa's not black and that he's white and this and that. People started looking at us and my mom told my dad to shut up, that people were staring, and he finally did. But boy when we got home he just went on and on about it. I guess my dad's cool and all most of the time but sometimes I'm with my mom, I wish he'd just shut the f up. Besides, my teacher says that Santa is probably not as white as he's depicted anyway given where St. Nicholas came from. I thought I probably shouldn't mention that one to dad or he'd get mad at me for listening to that teacher again.

Vichizzle: So in conclusions, I say that Santa Claus, if there evah be one, is a fat, Michael-Jackson-elf-fondlin, reindeer-fuckin, bitch, who ain't nevah give jack shit to me! Fuck 'im and the reindeer he rode in on! Peace!

Tyler: My dad used to say, before he told me that there was no Santa Claus, that if I left him cookies and beer, instead of milk, that he'd be at our house first the next year. He's so weird sometimes.

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