I think I may have just completely fucked myself.
Again.
Before I tell my story, let me just give you a little history about my problem of the moment.

His name is Nathan. . . he isn't particularly good looking(his nose is too big), and he has an ego to beat all egos, but that isn't what made him attractive to me in the first place. He is SMART. God is he smart. We used to have debates that would end only after we started screaming at each other, or whenever class started.

That was in highschool.

Ahh highschool. There was a time, my sophomore year, when I actually traded lockers with 3 different people so I could be next to him. So, at lunch, I could listen to him explain his calculus (despite my hatred of math), just so I could listen to him talk. He didn't even know I existed, but I was still there, every day, hanging out at my locker. Hanging on his every word

My junior year, we got drunk together at a party. It's funny how you never notice a person until they are free from their inhibitions. That night, I swam across a river; naked, in March, in Montana.

I think that's what it took to get his attention. We liked each other, that much was obvious, we were the flirty couple who weren't really a couple. The twosome that everyone expected to date at any moment.

It never happened.

Things progressed that way for the rest of my junior year. Prom came and went,(we didn't go together, that would have been too easy). Summer was rapidly approaching, and we continued hanging out.. it was great. Finally, FINALLY, we decided to go on a real live official date. He was going off to Chicago for school, I was staying home to finish up my last year of highschool... It was our last chance.

We went to dinner. . . he payed. We went to a movie. . . I payed. Things were looking pretty even. Things were going great.

Right up until he got "lost".

Things really do happen just like on tv sometimes.

At some point I realized. . .What the hell are we doing?! We are up in the middle of the Lolo national forest. . . this isn't on our way to anywhere!

I don't really want to go into details about that night. I ended up walking/hitch-hiking my way home from the middle of nowhere, and I have only seen Nathan twice since. I Don't count that as a date.



So now he is back in town. He emailed me, and wants to know if I will meet him.

I say, "I have class till two, and I work. . ." (he's here till sunday)
him: you work every day?
me: well, I have wednesday and thursday off. . . but thursday is my sister's Birthday. . .We could do lunch. . . (someplace well populated and lit)
him: Are you sure you can't do something on Wednesday night?
me:Umm. ..give me your number, I'll call you.Like hell I am going to call you!
him: better, give me your number, and I'll call you.

DAMN!! instead of giving him my home phone number (where I know I'll never be, and will never get the message anyway . . .) I chanted out the number to my cell phone.
I need something to be doing on Wednesday. Some reason I can't hang out with him. Some excuse to not be alone with him. I need him to go away, back to Chicago, and leave me the hell alone so I can live my life. I need to get back to that place in my mind where I am numb, and nothing bothers me.

fuck.