Heinz ketchup...all in all a very odd thing. I'm not that big of a fan of ketchup, but this brand means something special to me. A half full (half empty) glass bottle of Heinz always makes me think of dusty roadside diners, chatting with friends about anything and everything, and of course idly folding paper straw wrappers into origami cranes or ninja stars.

Ah, but I ramble. Let me get on to the point of this node.

Remember those old Heinz commercials that had the guy desperately trying to extract the last drop of ketchup from the glass bottle? He tried shaking the bottle up and down, tapping the bottom of the bottle, but nothing seemed to work. That is because he did not try the Secret Extraction Technique.

I will teach you this technique, young grasshopper. You can amaze your friends the next time you eat out at a place with glass bottles of Heinz ketchup.

First, take a glass bottle of the ketchup. Look and feel around a little below the neck of the bottle. There should be a small 57 in raised glass. Around the bottle there are (I believe) around 3 of the aforementioned 57s. Now, position the bottle so that when the ketchup leaves the bottle, it will hit whatever you want it to. After that, hit one of the raised glass 57s firmly with the butt of your palm. Unless the bottle is less than half full, there should be a goodly sized dollop of ketchup on your plate (or wherever else you pointed it, you sick bastard). Repeat strikes if necessary.

There you have it! The Secret Heinz Glass Bottle Extraction technique. I myself have only tried it with two Heinz products, the Chili sauce and the ketchup, but I believe that it should work with any condiment that Heinz puts in a glass bottle. Do not use this technique for evil. Or go ahead anyway, but I take no responsibility if you go and use this technique to pour ketchup on your sister and she breaks a broomstick over your head.

This information was given to me by my friend during one of the idle chats at a dusty diners mentioned above. He told me that he got it from the Heinz website (www.heinz.com) but I can't seem to find anything about it over there.