I had a weird dream.
Among the random scraps and blurred bits of my subconscious' store of What the Fuckery, there was a part where two people who were apparently my friends but I’d never seen before in my life were in my room. They were on the bed, him trying to read, and her giggling at an iPhone.
He finally leaned over to see what she was snickering at, then started laughing himself.
“What?” I said, going over to see. “What is it?”
They showed me the phone. On it was one of those websites that has the entire King James Bible on it. At the top of the screen was Mark 3:11, underneath the words were blurred squiggles. But dream-me could read it perfectly.
I started laughing too. It was the greatest pun ever.
“That’s hilarious!”
“I know, right?”
“Gimme the phone, I gotta show this to someone.”
So I went and showed the joke to several people: my mom, my sister, my brother, a fire man wandering the streets, and a mime who could talk, but only in Sumerian. All of them burst out laughing at the pun.
The fireman made the noise of a duck when he laughed.
“Why don’t more people know about this?” said the mime.
“I don’t know!” I said in the same language. Everyone knew about the Ezekiel one, but nobody knew about this one which was ten times filthier and a zillion times more clever.
Then the mime and I proceeded to switch over to Babylonian and discuss the Voynich Manuscript (it was his diary back when he was visiting Atlantis) and then the prodigal son story. I was pissed off and took the good son’s side.
“The dad was a dick.”
“Well, think,” said the mime, now inside of his invisible box. “The other guy may have gotten a party, but the good one is still probably going to inherit everything. Favorite or not, I doubt the dad would be dumb enough to leave the other one with all his land and stuff.”
“Oh,” I said, perking up. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
The mime was by now thoroughly stuck inside the box, so I had to help him out.
Later on, an OCD woman at the checkout counter in a grocery store was giving me my change. It was supposed to be 2.83, but she was giving me 3.00 even because she liked round numbers when I woke up.
“Thank you,” I said, trying to turn back and see the woman, but only getting tangled in the blankets.
Mom (passing by my room): Who are you talking to?
Me: The lady at the checkout- I guess she’s gone now.
• * * * *
Mom had the day off today, so she decided to drive me to school rather than have me go on the hour long bus ride. On the way, I pulled out my phone and googled Mark 3:11.
“Dang,” I said.
“What?” said Ma.
“I had a dream where there was a really funny pun under this verse.”
“What does it actually say?”
“And unclean spirits, when they saw him, fell down before him, and cried, saying, ‘Thou art the Son of God!’” I closed the phone. “Frankly, I’m disappointed.”
That got her giggling, though, so that was something.
* * * *
In psych today we watched a documentary. It was about a transgendered woman who used to be a guy and her brother who had a chunk of brain removed and was a raging asshole and how he was the long lost grandson of Orson Welles and their family’s exceedingly poisonous relationships. It was called the Prodigal Sons.
Life is funny sometimes.