Oatmeal can be one of the best-tasting or worst-tasting foods depending on the preparation. I am here to tell you how to make a bowl of oatmeal that tastes like candy, and is a well-balanced meal to boot.

I like my oatmeal sweet, but if you don't, just leave out some of the sweetener... here is a recipe for some good goddamned oatmeal.

Boil some water, about a third of a medium saucepan full. Put some salt (a few pinches, or a lot depending on taste) and some sugar (same directions as salt) as you begin to see bubbles. Now at this point I would also add 2 packets of sweet-n-lo but this is heresy to some, and it is obviously optional. When the water starts to boil, take some oatmeal and just pour it in. Now I know the back of the box has specific water-to-oats ratios but fuck 'em, believe me it works. One rule of thumb though, pour slowly, and don't overfill. You just want to slow the boiling a bit but you don't wanna solidify the saucepan into an oat paste. If you need more oats (if it looks too watery) just add a bit more... but remember that the oats suck up water like a sponge. Now a word on the oats... don't use instant oatmeal... that's for your microwave. I prefer the Irish Oats in a white tin in your specialty supermarket... but you can use any non-instant oats. I find that the rough-cut Irish oats have less of that oat dust stuff that makes your oatmeal goopy... plus it feels good to chew :). Anyway, you stir constantly with a wooden spoon once the oats are in the water (metal spoon gets hot). Make sure to scoop out the corners of the pan or the oatmeal will burn in those places and will taste terrible/be a bitch to get clean. You know it's done when little pieces of oatmeal fly up when the heat bubbles up. Don't let it get too dry (though you can always fix this with some soy milk at the end). Oh yeah, right before it is done is your chance to add most anything you want. I add honey, brown sugar, and a big spoonful of butter (trust me this step makes a difference). But not the fruit yet! Add raisins and stuff at the table. Put oatmeal in bowl and serve covered in soy milk, fresh brown sugar, and raisins/fruit. Delicious!!