April 26, 2001 (idea)
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|So yesterday I saw her again.
Mainly because I'm still the same idiot that saw her last week. She kisses me on the cheek when we meet, hugs me, hugs me while we're talking, kisses me and hugs me when we part. I'm not reading anything into this, trust me. Hell, I'm quite a tactile person myself. I'm just saying - does she realise what she's doing to me? I sound so fscking melodramatic don't I?
She's still as gorgeous as ever, and since today we went for coffee rather than clubbing we got to talk a lot more. I'm still totally aware of the fact that it's not going to happen. I'm really trying to remove all vestiges of hope. I know she doesn't fancy me. Simple.
Just the character of some of her phrases made it clear that she isn't head over heels with her current boyfriend, but she is having fun and seeing how it goes. This is, in theory, not the type of girl for me anyway. Unless I feel something for someone quite quickly I'm usually outta there. This is probably my first mistake. I should relax a little :) The whole reason we broke up in the first place was because I was rushing. Oh yeah, and the doormat thing, see below.
When we parted she said she had had a really good time, and that we should get together again soon because she has fun with me. I was obviously looking wistful because after a few seconds she added that I shouldn't be so down on myself and that people enjoy my company. I know people enjoy my company! They don't call me Mr. Scintillating for nothing :) I just didn't realise she enjoyed it to the extent of actually mentioning it, and I was just looking pissed because I was wondering why she couldn't fancy me and make everything perfect. A couple of things still piss me off about the whole deal though - firstly that I still feel slightly used from the first time. There is no logical basis for this I might add, but it's partly to do with her current boyfriend (who shares my name, natch) who she has integrated fairly fast. Secondly it is just that I was such an idiot when we did go out, being a walkovery doormat. Which is not what I'm like normally at all, and is undoubtedly why she didn't/doesn't fancy me. So I can't help but feel we could still be going out. Bah. Enough self-pity for the next 6 months there I think. That's about when I'll see her again. Stay tuned.
Today is also (though only just) the 26th April. But you knew that... It just reminds me that my Individual Project - the interaction model for an MMORPG - is due in 36 hours. This is very very very bad. I'm asking for an extension. If it's refused I guess I automatically fail the year. This is bad. I'm supposed to graduate rather soon. I guess I should have been working rather than gallivanting with her, right? Damn.
Why do people daylog more when: they have problems and/or they should be doing something else (revision)? Not too tricky a question I suppose.