Many people have been overly concerned with a connection between video games and violence, courtesy of high-profile game releases such as Grand Theft Auto IV and Hitman. These tireless warriors have made us very aware of this huge threat to our society, but a larger danger, especially given the actual patterns of youth in America, goes unnoticed.
This terrifying threat comes from the heart of evil itself, Nintendo. Purveyors of the worst kind of gaming, Nintendo's cheerful, child-friendly games are aimed to manipulate our children into a lifetime of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Fat Losers, and similar programs to try to manage their ballooning weight from horrible role-models imprinted on them at this young age. We must fight strongly agianst the terrible examples Nintendo sets!
Yoshi represents Nintendo's most prominent figure in this sick money-making scheme. (They're obviously in league with diet companies, you see.) From his first appearance, this little dinosaur established himself as a role model for gluttony, as his sole purpose in the game was eating everything in sight. Nintendo's own comics all but describe him as an Avatar of Hunger, eating every fruit he sees, and even every still-living, still-struggling enemy he comes across. This horrrible model will obviously encourage our children to do the same. This could be beneficial for the 5-A-Day campaigns, but imagine the dangerous carnage in simple playground fights!
Kirby is next on this grotesque list. While Yoshi at least must be within tongue range of his food, Kirby does not even do that justice, simply sucking impossibly until his helpless target is drawn by pure air force into his maw. Even worse, Kirby gains super powers from his meals, teaching a terrible lesson: that such incredible acts of gluttony will not only have no ill effect, they may allow you to perform dangerous and impossible feats. (To be fair, Kirby's "fireball" ability can probably be simulated with Taco Bell and a cigarette lighter. But is this the example we want to set for our impressionable youngsters?) First-time players are encouraged to eat everything that is not pointy (a slight improvement over Yoshi, who swallows spiked things whole with no damage- and no health disclaimers against eating broken glass are provided!) in an effort to find just what powers they hold. For Yoshi, such binge eating is a mere convenience, as the one coin given for such meals is nearly inconsequential, but it is central to the modern Kirby games.
Even the young Star Spirits of Super Mario Galaxy, known as Lumas, teach our children these horrible things! In fact, they are the worst example of all. Instead of being a main character controlled directly by the player, they are all but immobile, floating at points along the game where Mario might chance to go. All of them are made happy by shooting a Star Bit at them, leading to a cheerful message on the screen; this teaches our children bad enough things about snacking, but it reaches obscene new heights with the Hungry Luma. The Hungry Luma complains of hunger when Mario approaches, and the player is prompted to feed a constant stream of Star Bits to it. This Luma is not so immune to the effects of its feast- it swells up hugely as it is stuffed with Star Bits. Should your finger ever be removed from the B button before it is satiated, it simply demands "More! MOOOOOORE!", until you have run out of Star Bits or satisfied its hunger- sometimes as "few" as 50 of these calorie-laden snacks (they are obviously desigend to resemble rock candy), but later in the game, thousands may be required.
Initially, the Lumas seem like an argument against such sinful excess, as all those who indulge in more than 50 Star Bits explode. But even this explosion is not a deterrent- instead, they turn into galaxies, leaving behind Launch Stars Mario can use to reach them as a playable level. So this terrible feeding becomes mandatory to complete 100% of the game, training our offspring that dangerous and excessive food intake is a required thing to achieve our goals, and it is not merely okay, but desirable to become obese to a truly cosmic size.
These are but a few examples in Nintendo's horrifying library. Super Smash Bros. Brawl offers a plethora of further examples; several different characters can eat literally any item in the game as a convenient method of disposal. Every single Mario RPG (Super Mario RPG, Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, and the Paper Mario series) has involved a boss that attempts to eat the player. The list goes on.
Violence is entirely too prominent in discussion about video games. We must spread the word about this growing danger!