I decided to kill myself
It was the day I got the results of the final exam.
I had failed, badly. It was all there in black and white.
I would never get into the course I wanted to and I would certainly not get the car my parents had promised to buy me if I had passed.
If only I had passed.
So much pressure. So much disappointment.
I could never live the life, which I had felt secure in planning. What would I do? How would I live with myself, knowing that no matter what I do I would never be as happy or successful as I would have been if I had only passed that exam.
I couldn’t live with myself. I was a failure.
I decided to kill myself.
I couldn’t just get my hands on a gun and top myself though. What if my little sister found my body? How badly would that mess her up?
Plus, it would kill my parents to see me dead. They would have to hear the new from a close friend to soften the blow.
I had to kill myself at one of their friend’s places.
I started planning straight away.
I left school during the first lunch break and headed home. Once I got there, I went to my parent’s room and rummaged through my mother's bedside draw to find her address book.
In it I hoped to find the address of my parents closest mutual friend, George.
George was on the police force with my father as a homicide investigator, so seeing me dead would affect him too much.
I decided to hang myself rather than use my father’s gun. If I had, he may have felt guilty, ad though it was sort of his fault for leaving it in his draw and not in the safe. Also, what if mum decided to blame him?
As an added bonus, a hung corps looks better once you get it into the coffin. No nasty exit wounds or whatnot.
I knew that George would be at work and that I could sneak into his back yard find a tree or suitable patio beam and do the deed.
Only problem was that I had not Idea how to tie a noose. I felt this was important because I didn’t want to pinch any skin and make the whole experience painful and unpleasant. Plus I have a very low threshold of pain and if the neighbours heard me scream in pain they might come to my aid.
I got on my computer and logged on to the Internet to find a sight that would perhaps demonstrate how to tie proper hangman's noose. After sifting through some porn I eventually found a site that contained some rather detailed and complex looking diagrams showing how it was done.
I managed to produce some rope from the depths to the garage and practiced tying the noose once or twice and had perfected it surprisingly quickly.
Next came the note. How would I say farewell without sounding cliché?
Rather than be drastic I decided to be casual.
“To mum, dad and Jess. I decided to kill myself today. Hope you don’t mind too much.
P.S. we’re out of milk.” that sort of thing.
After finishing the note I tucked it gently into the top pocket of my shirt, grabbed my rope and the few notes I had taken on noose tying (in case I forgot at the last minute) and headed over to George’s place.
It took about an hour on foot and by the time I got there I knew I didn’t have long to accomplish my task before people would start arriving home from their various engagements. I walked up the side of George's house and went to open the side gate, but it was locked. With a little effort I hoisted myself over the gate to come face to face with the very reason it was locked. George's Doberman was happily chewing on a bone until I had rudely interrupted him with my presence. As fast as a sprinting speed addict, he came at me and even faster, I shot up a near by tree.
I found myself sitting on a rather solid branch about three meters above the ground.
I could have hung myself but the dog would have eaten half my legs and if I had used a higher branch, the neighbours might have seen what I was up to.
I had to think of a way to get rid of the dog, fast.
I began gnawing through the rope at about halfway, leaving my enough to complete my ultimate task and enough to use in my plan to remove the dog from the current situation.
I climbed down onto a weaker branch below the branch I was on and tied one end of the first rope to it. On the other end of the rope I tied a slipknot. I then threw the second piece of rope to the ground and braced myself for what was one the most fearsome moments I have experienced. Placing the looped end of the first rope in my mouth, I leapt downward towards the Doberman at full force and tackled it to the ground. As quickly as I could I pinned the dog down with a paw behind each ear and one knee on his lower torso. I stuck out my elbows and forced his lags together, squeezing it’s head in between them. That way he couldn’t kick, bite or scratch. This wasn’t going to hold him for long so I dropped the loop over his head and dove off of him. When I stopped rolling and stood up I found my plan had worked. The loop had gone around the dog’s neck and front legs. When he had tried to give chase the loop had pulled tight and left him on his back without the ability to do anything even mildly threatening. I smiled to my self and made my way over to the patio, picking up the second piece of rope on the way. I stood up on the outside table, stretched up and tied off one end of the rope and made the perfect hangman’s noose with the other.
I placed the noose over my head and checked the note in my pocket.
As I was about to take the short drop that would conclude my existence, I couldn’t help reflecting on the events that hade taken place that day. The way I had simply decided to do something and then did it.
I had over come the obstacles and succeeded because killing myself was something I sincerely wanted to do. I had even wrestled that Doberman and dogs scared the shit out of me!
I wondered what else I could do if I was determined enough. I was actually proud of my efforts.
I suddenly felt the confidence to overcome anything.
So I untied myself and went home. I watched T.V., ate dinner and went to bed. I slept like a baby and dreamt of all the things I was going to do with my new-found confidence.
Written in Australian English