I am
breaking down. Quickly.
Over the last week, I’ve almost broken up with
Jessica, and flip-flopped on a decision of moving out on my own; No Jessica, no Charles, no
Toronto, no Venk, just me and myself, alone, in a quiet downtown
basement apartment.
I told Jes this, that I wanted to
move out, and understandably, it did not go over well. We’ve been fighting
constantly since.
I’ve been
abusing my body with various methods of
self-torture, be they
physical,
emotional, or
chemical. I’ve pushed myself past my own limits, and made
knowingly foolish drives at dangerous goals.
I left work today, to go speak with
Charles. My brand-new batteries died half-way into the first song, I forgot my
glasses, nearly passed out in front of a car while running across the street, and then waited for a half-hour in the cold.
No bus.
I’m at work now. I came back, and rather
bluntly told one of the
senior staff to give me one of the much-coveted
taxi chits. He looked like he was going to object, but he didn’t. Perhaps he had heard me
screaming outside the building moments before.
While I’m on the
topic, I’ve taken to yelling in public places, and talking to myself quite often. It’s really quite
disturbing, especially to me. Catching yourself
alone in a room mumbling to yourself is not the greatest sign of
mental stability.
I have no patience, right now, for anyone or anything, much less my own problems.
I’m coming apart at the seams.
I don’t know what to do. Half of me wants to fuck the world, and move to
Holland tomorrow. I could. The other half wants to stay here, but I don’t know what to do, where to stay here. I could get a place with Jes, and end up just fucking ourselves both really hard if we break up, because I need ‘space’ or whatever. I don’t know if I’m stable enough to handle living with anyone else right now, let alone someone who can so easily spin my world around.
I don’t know.