Don't use bubbles unless you're prepared to use loads. There should be a thick and generous layer which won't dissolve into pathetic wannabe teenage bubbles in 15 minutes.

Eating in the bath is allowed but should be limited to bite size goodies - bonbons, truffles, cherries, but never ever crisps.

Don't listen to music while in the bath, unless you're using bubbles and then it has to be bossa nova. A bath is a silent experience, like being under water or in the womb. Everything but the lapping of the water should be muted.

By all means read in the bath, but only light reading or bad romance novels. It's a relaxing experience, not a time to do battle with Nietsche.

Only bathe with the windows open during daylight unless you're in a very hot climate in which case take baths out of doors.

Plastic is the natural enemy of bath goodness. Plastic ducks, plastic immitation loofas and, Lord forgive them, plastic shower caps are the spawn of the dry parched devil.

prole: Cowboy hat??