Start Again


I'm all out of hope
One more bad dream could bring a fall
When I'm far from home
Don't call me on the phone
To tell me you're alone
It's easy to deceive
It's easy to tease
But hard to get release
--Billy Idol
"Eyes Without a Face"

Any major change in your life requires some kind of leap of faith. Some require a bigger leap than others.

Love. What is it? What does it mean? How many boundaries does it cross and how many rivers can it overcome? Is love the answer?

>You are standing in front of a river. There is nowhere to go.

We become convinced that love is a singular concept. It is something meant to be given to one person with whom we join with as a new unit commonly called a "couple." All past experience goes out the window as we declare this person to be more than other partners we have known in the past. We agree to spend the rest of our lives with this one person and in doing so downplay everything that has happened in the past. It is easy because we place it on a block for summation. They left. They were not good enough. They didn't work out. This is the answer.

It isn't

Why do we abandon people so easily when they do not fit into our current fashion? We have some kind of cultural apathy that tells us that people are disposable commodities on the road to reaching some kind of productive stability. If they cannot settle down with us and buy a house and have children with us they were unworthy of our love. There is more to a glass of water than the water and the glass.

Holy shit.
This dumbass is saying that again.

With good reason. I haven't long to live and I have to say something before the shit hits the fan. I am given messages from the other side and this message is mine and mine alone. I've been from the inside out and I know how it all plays out and I can tell you one thing that I know for certain.

"Everyone is right."

Damn straight, as long as you don't start telling other motherfuckers that they are wrong and you are right. There are two things in this world. One is personal reality and the other is a collective reality. Into your soul enters a thing called profound reality, which is a product of those two reality entities. These are the things that lie within you that cannot be questioned or reversed. A shock to the system can create changes within the profound reality, but generally this reality remains static. What you believe in is what defines you. No one can pervert profound reality except yourself. It defines the next step you take in existence. This life is nothing but a training ground. It helps you form an ideology. That ideology takes the form of a transparent reality and a profound reality. What happens can alter that transparent reality, but profound reality sets up the bowling pins for the next frame.

This morning I wanted a cup of coffee
But I didn't have any cream
Last night I wanted some inspiration
But I didn't have any dreams
Coupled with the fact that u belong 2 another
Whose name is self-righteousness
So evil girl, if one of us has a date
with the undertaker, which one will it be?

This is the best day of my life

I wasn't all that concerned. I was concerned, but for reaons that had nothing to do with why they might expect I was concerned. Everything has to culiminate to a conclusion and I knew the conclusion before anyone else did. I had the whole thing written down. I anticipated everything, and yet I could not change the way it happened or in any way impact the outcome. This was something I was meant to study. This was something I needed to learn from. It isn't as easy as it sounds. At one point I tried to run. I threw in the towel and abandoned the facility. This did not go well.

"What happened to your passenger?"

I was in Orlando for two months before the accident happened. I had gone to the bar and tried to connect with Tina and felt like I was some kind of creep. Imagine trying to tell someone they sent you a message from the other side demanding that they find you. It just doesn't work. I wanted out. I bailed out of the program and demanded to live my life. The morning I made the declaration, I pulled out of my street and was hit in the driver's side of my car by a Honda travelling much too fast. My convertible was thrown a thousand yards down the road and the police, ambulance and fire trucks showed up moments later.

I've got 3 chains o' gold
And they will shine 4 ever
They are the nucleus of my soul
Melt down, no, they will never

There were to be three queens. These were the death queens. They would spell out for me a pattern in my life than I needed to break before I moved on from this life into the next. Only by seeing it in action could I understand what the pattern meant. I would come for the first queen and surrender when she became unattainable. I would settle for the second queen, who would make herself available as a substitute for the first queen. It would never work because she was always stuck with the realization that she was the second choice. The third queen would arise when the second queen abandoned me and save me from myself. The third queen would always remind me of where I had gone wrong, and yet she would never connect with me in any kind of "relationship." She would give me the truth and then disappear in the night. The third queen was always the right choice, but the pattern made it impossible for me to find her without going through the first and second queens first. The way to break the pattern was to find the third queen first.

Give back the chains - if you don't you will die
Nothing should come between you and I

I impose a fourth queen upon the order, just because I can. You control your life. You make the decisions that define who you are. They told me that my old life was gone and that I had to follow a path. I followed that path. Even when I tried to avoid the path, they made it plain that I could not. When I abandoned everything I got into a car accident that I walked away from unharmed even though my car suffered ten thousand dollars worth of damage. It was the first sign that all my weaknesses and the nature of my destruction would be related to a vehicle. I was indestructable, but the nature of this reality made me a slave to its methods. The fireman asked me how I could have possibly walked out of the car unharmed. I shrugged. He asked me what happened to my passenger. There was a round break in the glass in front of the passenger seat. There was no blood. They blamed it on the airbag, but I doubted that. As the accident happened I heard a voice from the passenger seat. It told me to get out of the car and walk. "If you don't they will take you to the hospital, but you can't go there." I haven't gone to the hospital since, even though I know I'm dying of many things. I won't die of what they tell me I'm dying of. They don't know anything.

I've got 3 chains o' gold
And they will shine 4 ever
If one of us has 2 go
U will go before me

Christina was the second queen. She lived on the edge and committed herself to achieving a certain lifestyle. I could not fit into the equation, even though I loved her more than any other man ever did. She had her own troubles. There was this cancer she was expecting to return at any time. My clash with poverty and losing everything didn't mean a damned thing. Death was stalking her and she needed to make the most of every moment. It was good when I could provide that everything, but when I wasn't able to she had to leave. She was waiting to die and eventually she did. There was nothing she did that wasn't related to her eventual death and she could take no more burdens. I came out of it okay, but she didn't. She died. I beat death and laughed in its face. I still do. Death holds no dominion over me, but eventually we'll play together again.

If one of us has 2 go
(3 chains o' gold)
U will go before me
(3 chains o' gold)
u will go before me, baby
(they will shine 4 ever)
cuz I sho 'nuff say u will

The hardest thing I have ever done always encompasses more than I've done before. Realizing that I am dying makes it harder. I am living on borrowed time. Christina was beautiful, and yet she was living on less time than I was. They believed she would live forever, but they knew they were wrong. She was running out of time. She believed that she needed to experience everything she could in a short period of time. She is channeling this paragraph and I feel her writing it. She is dead but she is not gone and she was a great writer. She could write better than I can. She smiled upon you. The second queen is not to be underestimated. She has just always hated being thought of as second best. She never was. It is all just in how it appears. Everything is in the interpretation.

Forever, burn


The death of Christina starts the journey again. She knew too much. She understood too much. Yet, she is consigned to second best, but only to the fourth queen.

Lyrics from "Three Chains O' Gold"
As written by Prince
Copyright 1992 Controversy Music
Used without permission