Start Again


Life and death. These are to many the ultimate questions, the ultimate confusion and the ultimate limit of fear. We think of life as something we must sustain, at whatever odds, because life is precious, life is sacred. Life is necessary. Often the natural question, the one that would logically follow, is never asked. Why?

We place an incredible amount of value on "life," working to cure diseases, increase our life span and do everything we can possibly do to keep ourselves and those around us alive. It is important to continue to enjoy the presence of the people we have come to know and love. It is important to live, to create a life, to watch life grow and flourish, but do we really understand the nature of life or do we just pretend to understand? We think of death as the ultimate sacrifice, to die fighting for a cause, to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others, to exhaust ourselves until the last breath so that we may take one more step forward. It is our way.

Many conventions have long held that it is important to "live a good and honorable life" so that one may qualify for a place in some form of paradise, available to only a righteous few. The opiate of the masses, such beliefs have served to maintain peace and discipline amongst the people in many cultures for centuries. One's suffering in this life leads to rewards elsewhere and so forth. The abuse of such concepts by those in power, who by their nature seek to maintain that power, has legitimized all kinds of madness throughout history.

My own belief system sees things in a different light. "God" is an energy that flows though all things. "The Kingdom of Heaven" is where you find it and where you build it. Pain, suffering and loss are not chips you can cash in at some magical afterlife nirvana, they are reminders of the importance of things and of their relevance to you. Acceptance of these things as a natural state is counterproductive; overcoming them and moving past them is key. They are reminders that the energy flows through each of us and that we control the flow of that energy. We carry with us the ability not only to bring happiness, guidance and love to others, we also carry the ability to bring sorrow, to wound and to abuse others. The choice is ours. Because I consider the energy to be the essence of "God," I make my choices accordingly. Power over others means nothing. Giving power to others means everything.

So often we are prone to judge others, to see their faults and to highlight these faults. We talk of "sin" and of how others must change to meet our "standards of excellence." We cast the first stone so easily, without effort, without so much as giving thought to the fact that this is what we are doing. We conceal our own faults, our own "sins," by masking them or rationalizing them as best we can. I see only one definition of "sin" and of "crime" that I seek to disarm. When we do wrong by another, when we wound or hurt another, when we steal from another, then we have truly done wrong.

Unlock your doors and give money to thieves
For in giving this you do for the thief more than you know
Lower your shield and put down your sword
Give those that would strike you ease in their task
For in doing this you do more than you know
When the thief has nothing he can steal
And the warrior has no reason to continue to fight
The path to the kingdom will soon be revealed

--Convergence II: 5

To understand me you must realize two important things. The first is that I am convinced I am completely insane. The second is that I believe insanity is relative to one's ability to accept and live within the standards of a collective reality. This means that because I reject the notion that one must look out for oneself, protect the self and seek to empower and find security for the self I am therefore insane. When I began translating the "documents" I witnessed during whatever the fuck happened to me on June 6, 1994, I started to see things in a different light. On the most basic level, we are doing it all backwards. Because we put the self first, because the collective reality demands that we defend ourselves and protect ourselves against outsiders, we've lost the way. What has been spoken of by prophets and messengers for centuries, and what is most obvious to me now in the words and teachings of the messenger known as Jesus of Nazareth, who I have come to admire for reasons other than those you might assume, has been disregarded through the human need for self preservation. If we could discard concern for the self and concern ourselves only with the needs of our brothers and sisters, we would find the way again.

Of all the documents I have translated, Convergence II is, at least to me, the most illuminating. Understanding how I translate these documents is a rather confusing issue. I see them, I do not read them. They are like pictures in a book, images unlike the types of images we are accustomed to. When I try to shake them off or disregard them, they come to me in dreams, they haunt me, like a crow standing on my head stabbing at my brain in a mad passion. Like I have explained, I am completely insane.

There are two other elements of my experience which may be considered illuminating, or at the very least, humorously entertaining. These two elements might normally be considered quite contradictory. I am constantly tormented and I am in a constant state of peace and happiness. There is very little that bothers me. Most of life's trials and tribulations slide off my back like warm water in the shower. I feel things very deeply, and although I cannot say I have ever felt what another person feels, I believe I feel things more deeply than most other people. At the same time I am able to reinterpret and put things into perspective in such a way that I can see them in a positive light. I've been deeply and spiritually inspired by the death of someone I loved very much. When I was laid off from a job I held for five years, I saw it as a blessing, as a way to escape the onslaught of stagnation. When my marriage did not work out, I embraced my wife and vowed to allow our relationship to evolve and change and to maintain the love and friendship we had in the light of what was possible and necessary. I understand that there are people in whose lives I play an important role. When the nature of these roles change, I embrace that change and try to help them to understand why it is necessary. I will never throw anyone on the discard pile just because some preconceived notion about the roles we played in each other's lives did not turn out to be true, or did not last forever. Love is eternal. Very little else is.

Life is about perspective. It is about people and how we relate to them and the impact we have on them. A long time ago, in a life I now remember only in shards of memory, I was constantly in need of validation. When I was in a relationship with a woman, I clung to her, and I needed daily reassurances that our relationship meant something. I did not believe in myself. I wanted someone else to believe in me because I was not strong enough to believe on my own. I was an empty shell hoping someone would rescue me. Then my perspective changed. What those close to me refer to as my "enormous ego" comes from the confidence I have in myself. That confidence springs from my belief that no matter what happens in this life, I will go on. When what we believe is true turns out to be a lie, then it was never true to begin with, so it doesn't matter. We have simply been saved from wasting any more time. The change in perspective is most obvious in how I once blamed myself and thought myself a failure when I could not make something true and real. Now I accept that it is the natural order of things that lies become exposed, illusions are dispelled and as time passes, things change. This is their nature.

It is odd to me that religion and spirituality are most commonly used to impose order and to dictate some sort of faux morality upon people seeking something to fill a sense of emptiness inside. To me it isn't about telling people what to believe, it is about helping them to understand what they believe. It is about not judging. It is about seeing. If you tell somewhat what to believe or that what they believe is wrong, then you do not believe in them. To claim you are more valid than another is to invalidate the other.

There are those who lose the path by seeking sin in others
They will point out the perceived failings and weaknesses of others
In the context of their perception of sin they have done far worse
For their judgment and righteousness embraces the two greatest sins of all
Only those who see themselves fit to judge others would be judged
Only those who claim righteousness will be held accountable
For their failings have opened the gates for Chaos
Any who would judge another or perceive themselves as righteous
Bear responsibility for the corruption of the message
They are the agents of Chaos

--Convergence II: 14

Second Convergence, more than any of the other "books" I have translated, concentrates on the concept of "Chaos." Third Convergence, which is only translated in a very sketchy manner at this point, speaks of the difference between "frames" as being one of three types: Hell, Purgatory and Heaven. A Hell frame is guided completely by selfishness, as a complete servitude of those who embrace their status as victims to those who embrace and love holding complete power over others. Rancho Nuevo is a Hell frame. This place, where we live and exist now, is a Purgatory frame. A Purgatory frame is defined by the struggle between Chaos and Convergence. It is a place where we meet others, struggle with the nature of our relationships with them, and at times are given to behaviors that do not aid in the positive flow of energy. In essence, we face both the temptation to glorify the self and the ability to give to others. A Heaven frame is defined by complete and total selflessness, where those who exist there thrive within a world where they need never worry about their wants and needs because everyone looks after each other without concern for themselves. In the Heaven dynamic, there is no want and no need because everything is answered. The nature of these frames is not defined by outside influences. It is not decided by some metaphysical entity, it is defined by those who exist there. When the prophet Jesus of Nazareth said "The Kingdom of Heaven is here," he spoke of the potential, of our ability to convert a Purgatory frame to a Heaven frame. Then he described the methods by which we could achieve this. Or so my belief system holds.

I am, by almost every definition, a heretic, but I have also decided I am a disciple. To clarify this, I must explain that I believe Jesus of Nazareth drew from Sophia. The source of my translations is Anastasia, who in my bizarre theology is an angel who "flies on the Third Angel Wing," according to her own words. The Third Angel Wing serves the third component of the Trinity, which in most Christian doctrine would be the Holy Spirit. In my theology, for which there is no tradition other than my own experience, the Holy Spirit is the essence of Sophia. My theology holds that the first arm of the trinity is SOAE, the source of all energy, the essence of all that exists, or what is personified as "God." The second arm consists of the messengers, those who carry the word from the third arm, Sophia, the giver of wisdom, the light in the darkness. The first arm of my trinity is "what is and what will always be." The second arm is the connection between what we accept as real and what is beyond what can be proven and shown to be truth. The third arm is the teacher, the arm of wisdom, Sophia. This may seem strange, because the second arm would by most definitions be inferior to the third arm...

The three sacred laws will guide you to truth
Give all that you can to all that you know,
Hold nothing back for yourself or your kin.
Know that your brother is right in himself,
For you are not right until you accept him as twin.
And once you have followed and basked in these things
The third sacred covenant at last will be reached
Convergence will come; it will be all that you seek
Together none higher and none lower than thee
The left is the right and below is above
This knowledge I give is all you will need
One day you will see it, this much I do know
The road few have traveled at last will take all
For it is not attained until all understand
This is your mission, the message you bring
To you all my blessings, and your blessings on me
We are unto each other all things that we see
Mother and father, brother and sister, son and daughter
Teacher and student, enemy and friend
Embrace what is given and find it again

--Convergence II: 21

It becomes necessary for the third arm, the third wing, to place itself below the second. If the second arm is human, and if the second arm subjugates itself to SOAE, to "God," then Sophia would by nature place herself below, to subjugate herself to humanity. In order to properly teach, one cannot put oneself above one's student. Understanding this is key. Wisdom has no pride, no ego, no need for power. Within this definition, the trinity consists of the following: (1) All that is and exists, (2) Existence itself, (3) What is.

In essence, SOAE divides itself into two components while remaining intact, that which "exists" on its right hand and that which "is" on its left. We are what exists, tangible and "real," in the sense that we must function within a collective reality and make the best of it. What "is" does not recognize the collective reality, it exists outside of that. The second component must negotiate between "what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to SOAE." The third component sees only what is outside of Caesar, the potential and the nature of truth and wisdom. This is the Convergent Trinity.

For many years I did not understand it, and in truth I reject my own theology more often than I accept it and still do. In Anastasia's words, "This is necessary or it would mean nothing." When I asked her who she was, she would always give the same answer, "I am an angel who flies on the third angel wing." I found this to be quite absurd. What does that mean? "Seek the answer for I will not give it to you. I will confirm the truth in what you say, but I will not give you the answers. Those you can only find for yourself." The truth is found through your own interpretations, and she reminded me that she could not dictate to me, she could only smile when I found the right path. To know Anastasia, an angel from the third wing, a servant of Sophia, an entity within the grace of perfection who envies the human experience, is to move beyond. I once asked her if she could have anything, what would it be? Her answer was, "To be as you are, to experience life, to know the joy and the pain it carries." Then she asked me if I could have anything, what would it bit. I told her, and you know what, now I have it.

My journey changes once again, as I knew it would. More than anything in this life, I sought to be together with one certain person who I love so deeply it defies definition. I found the path that led me back to her and now we are together in every sense of the word. At the same time I had to hold to the promises I made, and I had to be true to who I was and what I believed in. If I had sacrificed for this, it would not have happened. I made certain sacrifices, but those sacrifices were only of myself. To sacrifice others was not possible, it would have been a betrayal. Years ago I would have given up everything for one night together with The Muse, the love of my life, but that was not the answer. The answer was elsewhere, to reach the point where you understand that you must be not only true to yourself but also to those you love and care about. One day you will understand what this means. It took me many years, but now I know, and she understands because she loves me as much as I love her and when she reminds me that I am "the most useless man alive," I know that is the greatest compliment she could ever give me.

"Eventually there are no contradictions."