My last apartment had no windows. Or at least, it had windows that didn't serve their normal purposes, which I would think would include letting in air and light. And I thought, when I moved into this apartment, because it had a normal allowance of normal windows, I would take
advantage of it. But I don't think I've yet to open the blinds or the windows. It's enough that light gets in at all.
I've always had dust and cigarette ashes as my desk top company, always a ring of a wine glass bleeding into the tablecloth. Always just enough room to write. Nail polish, Chap Stick, hand lotion and a dictionary within an arm's reach. I don't have a kitchen table so I even eat at my desk, staring at the monitor like most stare at the TV. Call damn you. Someone call and interrupt my modem. Interrupt my stare.
Most of my conversations begin with some off the wall question that usually never gets answered because the person I'm asking is too busy wondering what made me think to ask what I did. I don't know much about getting to know people, what the steps are to this. I know it's all individual, and I get the feeling that I'm the one that has to start things because when people open the conversation for me, it's usually a guy and it's usually something stupid and simple. I mean, how do women start talking to other women?
I'm also not good at regaining someone's trust or attention once I've lost them. So eventually I stop trying, or give up early. Maybe I will learn with the next one, I think to myself, I'll just start over with the next one. I guess that's why I'm alone a lot. My excuses are that I'm around people all day, that I only have a few friends, that I'm an only child and am used to being alone. And while they're true on occasion, they're not true all the time. Sometimes, I just don't trust myself with people. I either don't know what to do or feel this need to rely on what I should be doing, what social interaction dictates is supposed to be happening. Just because I can strike up a conversation with anyone doesn't mean it comes naturally to me. I learned how to do it like other people learn to tie their shoe or program a VCR.
I surprise people when they finally get me talking, and they wonder why I am such a shut in when I'm clearly sociable. I guess I don't want all my ugly parts to be discovered, or maybe I don't want to discover that I don't have as many ugly parts as I had thought, because they've seemed like such a part of me and it will seem like I've lost them. People say they want to be happy, but I'm not sure what makes me happy. Being around other people usually makes me more uncomfortable than anything, but I keep trying. Maybe I need to find another way to try.