Viz Top Tips (thing)

Aaah, Viz. The ultimate lad magazine. Bottom jokes, fart jokes and
other high culture. The best bit of Viz, of course, was the Top Tips section.
There are so many classic examples of the art, many of which are already listed here.
I will limit myself to 10 good examples of Viz Top Tips...

• Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
• X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
• Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
• Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
• Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
• Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
• Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
• Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
• Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
• An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.