My songs can make you cry, take you by surprise
And at the same time, make you dry your eyes with the same rhyme
So what you're seeing is a genius at work
Which to me isn't work, so it's easy to misinterpret it at first

I can say, without a doubt in my mind, that Eminem is the most important musician of this generation. In the future he will surely fit in the same category that The Beatles, Elvis and Bob Dylan are currently in, for he is a musician who has already changed the world with his beautiful music. In fact "musician" doesn't do it for me. Let's call him an artist. He's an artist. He makes art. And not with a paintbrush.

Recently, historians declared that the 90s never actually happened. This makes Eminem the first successful white rapper in history. Most of us have never heard this strange "rap" music. It is strange and confusing, so we immediately dismiss it as garbage. But it's not garbage.

Rap music, specifically Eminem, has freed us from many conventional lyrical boundaries. Before Eminem, songs had to be about "things". Bands like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones were severely hindered by these "things."


Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Tis a shame. If only Paul McCartney knew what music could really be. We are now at a point of time where you can add random lines that are nothing but insults to other celebrities, to perfectly good songs, and it doesn't ruin the song at all. In fact, it makes the song better. Much better. It helps if you don't actually hate these celebrities in the first place. Because then it's not offensive, it's hiliarious.


Hey Jude
Don't be afraid
Eric Clapton you motherfucka
Suck my big cock all night long
While I sing this song
Bitch

Why didn't Paul McCartney think of this?
Paul McCartney is no Eminem.

Paul McCartney was bogged down by the system, just like everybody else. He figured a few pretty melodies would fool us into thinking he was an artist. Nice try, McCartney. We know an artist when we see one. And we see one. And it's Eminem.

Unlike all music prior to his, you can actually pinpoint the exact day that Eminem wrote a song, due to the dozens of ephemeral pop culture references he makes in each and every tune. Now that's genius. It's quite apparent that Eminem doesn't want children of the future to be able to understand any of his music. In fact, he hates the future. He wants his music to be played and understood today. And only today. Children of the future don't fucking deserve his music.

Now, in a recent conversation I had with a respected noder, she began repeatedly comparing Eminem to Elvis. Unsurprisingly enough, this noder didn't come up this idea on her own, Eminem actually compares himself to Elvis on his latest CD.

But Elvis sang:


Love me tender
Love me sweet
Never let me go
You have made my life complete
And I love you so

Love me tender
Love me true
All my dreams fulfilled
for my darlin' I love you
and I always will

What the fuck? Eminem would never touch this wussy shit.

In the harsh ghetto world that Eminem may or may not have grown up in, nobody's life is complete.

That's why you gotta rap.


Get the fuck away from me, don't touch me
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
I SWEAR TO GOD I HATE YOU
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!
How the fuck could you do this to me?
How the fuck could you do this to me?

Now that's what I call a love song! A lot of you were probably confused the first time you read those words. He starts off by telling her how much he hates her...and then...out of nowhere...HE TELLS HER HE LOVES HER!!!!

How can this be? I thought he hated her! He loves her?

This is complex shit. Don't expect to understand it the first time through.

Elvis wouldn't be caught dead singing a song like that. And that's why I don't agree with the (un)said noder or Eminem himself. Eminem is no Elvis. Eminem is the new Bob Dylan. Both of them are white, both of them write complex lyrics, both of them hate fags and bitches. But where Dylan failed, Eminem succeeds.


Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand, you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

What the fuck is Dylan trying to say here? I have no idea, you have no idea; it's pretty clear he has no idea. Darkness at noon? Silver spoon? Balloon? Moon? Soon? I think someone is just making good use of the rhyming dictionary he got last Hanukah.

Eminem don't need no rhyming dictionary, because a lot of his rhymes don't rhyme in the first place. He's no slave to the English language. He's above the English language. When he does decide to rhyme, he likes to rhyme a word with itself (If you really think about it every word rhymes with itself.)


You faggots keep eggin me on
til I have you at knifepoint, then you beg me to stop
Shut up! Give me your hands and feet
I said shut up when I am talking to you

Why didn't you think of that?
You're no Eminem.

Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I try to introduce people to new music, I always run into the same problem.

Me: Hey listen to this music it's so cool
(Pops in CD)
Friend: Wow this is great music but I'm not sure whether I should continue listening to this or not. How many albums did this artist and/or band sell?
Me: Well I'm afraid I don't know offhand.
Friend: Well if you don't know how many albums this artist and/or band sold, this music must not be good. I refuse to listen to it anymore.

Well Eminem must've had the same problem as I did, because in his latest CD, he talks about how many albums he's sold in four different songs. He's doing this all for our sake, folks. To help us out. And instead of thanking him, we call him homophobic. What a sick world this is.

Now some of you are probably thinking "Only four songs?" Yes, I agree, he could certainly do a lot better. Hopefully, by his next album he'll raise that number to a more respectable seven or eight. Which will inevitably be followed by his Nuthin but album salez LP.

Anyway, these days, the scene goes a little more like this:


Me: Yo dude, check out these rhymes they're so chill
(Pops in CD)

I'mna expose it, I'll take you back to 73
before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin CD
I was a baby, maybe, I was just a couple of months
My faggot father must have had his panties in a bunch

Friend:He went multi-platinum?! Why didn't you tell me?
Me: You see, I was going to, but...
(Friend has already fled scene, off to spend some mad g's on some sick rhymes)



One thing that sets Eminem apart from the rest of the music makers out there is that Eminem doesn't talk about the make believe world of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. Eminem is a realist. When he raps, he raps about world problems. One of the biggest world problems these days is the tendency of fags to grab Eminem's balls.


My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
They'll stab you in the head
Whether you're a fag or a lez
Or the homosex, hermaph or trans-a-vest
Pants or dress? Hate fags? The answer's "yes"
Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic
Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulgin
That's my motherfucking balls, you'd better let go of em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of them.

Here's a graph approximating the number of ball-grab attempts per month throughout Eminem's career.

      |
300   |
      |                                  /
      |                          _______/
      |                         /
      |                        /
200   |                       /
      |                      /
      |                _____/
      |               /
      |          ____/
100   |         /
      |        /
      |    ___/
      |   /
      |__|___________________________________ 
       99        00        01        02       

As you can see, this number has been steadily rising.

This is unacceptable.

(Understandable peaks in October, due to National Coming Out Day).


But with all these lyrics dealing with gay people, is Eminem himself gay?

"If I said in one of my songs that my English teacher wanted to have sex with me in Junior High, all I'm saying is that I'm not gay, y'know?"

Whew! I was pretty scared for a minute there. I sure don't like fags. No no wait, I mean my "inner personality" doesn't like fags.

But there's nothing wrong with that, yeah?


"Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album, and laugh from beginning to end."


I take seven kids from columbine and stand 'em all in line
Add an AK-47, a revolver, a nine
A Mac-11 and this oughtta solve this problem of mine
And that's a whole school of bullies shot up all of the time, 'cause I'm
Shady, they call me as crazy as this world was
Over this whole Y2K thing, and by the way
N'Sync, why do they sing?

A true genius