Apparently, my
emotions are a somewhat popular subject with my friends. It seems that the few
friends I have here on
E2 feel it's appropriate to send a link to every single person I know, whenever I node about something
personal or emotional. I don't mean this as an attack on any
noders I know in
RL, and I hope no one interprets it as such. I'm just kind of
pissed off about it right now. Part of me thinks I shouldn't be writing this, but I also don't want to lose what I'm
feeling right now, so I need to
get it out.
I feel violated somehow. I discovered this beautiful world about six months ago, and it's steadily grown into the single thing in my life which I hold sacred. I love it here. I love you all. When I sit at home, I feel empty and alone. When I'm immersed in E2, I feel like a part of the community. I feel appreciated. I feel accepted. When someone /msg's me with a compliment on one of my nodes, or even when I get C!'d, I feel very happy. I very rarely feel truly happy in my other life. I was finally starting to feel like I could really express myself here. Like I could really share how I feel. When I was younger, before I realized that people would give me money to code, I always wanted to be a writer. I feel like I can be both right now. I get paid for what I'm good at, and I do what I love in my free time.
I trusted the community. I don't feel that same trust anymore. I'm worried that I won't be able to drop my inhibitions at the door anymore. I'm worried that I'll censor myself from now on. I really don't what that to happen, but I feel terrible right now, and I don't want to feel this way again.
It's not even so much that I'm bothered that people read some of the things here. It's that I don't feel that it was (or could be) interpreted properly, especially by anyone who doesn't know what it's like here. The person I am when I node is not the same as the person I am when I talk. This is another life. I am not Ben, I am SlightlyMadman. Do not confuse one with the other. Yes, many of the things I node about are mostly true. The problem is that they're more or less second hand. The person speaking them is not the person who experienced them, even if we happen to share the same social security number. I exaggerate. I blur and alter certain things to better make a point, to more strongly provoke an emotional response, or just to make it sound more interesting.
All I want to do right now is run away. I want to leave everything. I want to delete my account. I want to move to another state. Maybe I'll just create a new account here, where nobody will know that it's me, but the thought of that makes me sad.