I find myself wrestling with my convictions lately. I'm missing something in life. I'm wasting my time, because I'm not doing what I should be doing. Or at least that's how I feel.
I'm a fairly talented computer technician, but I hate it with a passion. Computers bring me no joy or sense of fulfillment. And yet, with only a high school diploma, I know more and have accomplished more than my friends who are beginning their third year of college. I own an IT consulting company that's failing only because I have no idea how to meet people and sell myself.
The thing I really want to do with my life, I don't dare. I have this burning desire in my heart to serve the public. I want to be a police officer in the worst possible ways, but I know it would kill my grand parents on the spot and break my mother's heart.
I'm so tired of trying to please everyone else.
I'm tired of the woman I love not loving me. Or at least not admitting it.
I'm tired of not acting when my heart tells me to.
I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss high school. Life was so much simpler then.
I wish my hero would ask me what's wrong, just once, so I could unload 22 years of pain on him, which he so richly deserves. And oddly, that's why he's my hero.
I'm tired of people not just fucking telling me what they're thinking or how they feel. They think they're saving my feelings by not telling me to go fuck myself and leave them alone, but all I want is an acknowledgement that they see and hear me.
Tom Petty may have said it best in Crawling Back To You:
I'm so tired of being tired
Sure as night will follow day
Most things that I worry about
Never happen anyway
It boggles my mind that I can know what I want, know all the answers to my questions, know in my mind that I don't give two shits what anyone thinks about me, and say that with conviction to people, and still I don't act on my urges and desires. When am I going to please me?
Perhaps Tom Petty was better phrased in Wake Up Time:
Well, if he gets lucky, a boy finds a girl
To help him to shoulder the pain in this world
I think my luck is running out.
Maybe I should just shut the hell up and go to bed. Spend my time worring about the Tuscan feast I'm preparing for the only friends I have in this worthless city this weekend.