THE SUPER BOWL GLORY HOLE
Once a year the doors are opened so everyone can take advantage of the National Football League's spectacular display of perversion. It's a cornucopia of jaded schemes to make money, and there is nothing more amusing and disgusting --all in one swoop-- than the glory hole of the Super Bowl. It's now the end of the craziest come back victory ever and my work can start. I have really only a few minutes to put together this article to keep in the gonzo form I have adopted. Two strong rum and cokes, and a Tombstone pizza later we put Brady's perfect season to rest. I for one am happy about the loss but shouldn't be too worried about rubbing salt in the wounds the Patriots might be nursing. I want to focus my sharp wit and razor tongue on the decadent and depraved advertisements. Ah what the hell, may just a little salt.
I sit here looking at my jumbled notes in my red notebook, asking myself how would the late HST word this, in such a way, that it illustrates how much pleasure it was for me to watch the Giants to hand Brady and his team their only loss of the season. I bet right now as I speak they're in the locker room holding back their tears, trying to act all macho for each other. They will be reinsuring each other, "There is always next year". Yeah fucking right, this is a once in a life time event they just fumbled. Good-job Jerk-offs! Your performance was just as pathetic as the damn commercials I tuned into watch. I can remember back to a time where the ads were actually funny.
I want to briefly mention Budweiser's fall from grace before moving on to what I consider a complete and utter cluster fuck and waste of money. I was disappointed at first, feeling that one lame ad was going to be followed by more, like in a string of standing dominoes, where one falls and knocks over another and then the next. But there was one ad that made me smile, even if it was for only a second. Budweiser's only saving grace was the cavemen dragging a stone cooler full of bud light and ice, but when the wheel is introduced only humor ensued. The idea of the wheel was not well received, only adding to what they had to carry already. As I said, only a smile crossed this face. I guess when you're already pissing money down the drain it isn't hard to keep pissing. Four out of five bad commercials isn't that bad, they could have blown their load with all five.
As you can imagine, it's really hard to describe these ads in such a manner that I transfer "the funny". If you didn't watch the perversion unfold, you might want to go back in time, it could be the only way of understanding what I'm talking about. What am I talking about? We have the Internet, it's much better for watching old TV spots than a time machine.
Honestly, I've been trying to keep focused but a new House M.D came on after the game. I've been distracted. Not really being able to really swim in my work, as it would be, like Brady's swimming in vodka right now. Trying to drown his sorrow. Pure assumption of course. He might be the whiskey type. Yeah, I know the saying, I even invented a better one from having to say it so much as a kid. "When you assume, you make an ass out of yourself before me." The operative word being before. When many say 'and' they're being presumptuous to include the other person in act of being an ass, when this is not always true. This is why I prefer using 'before' over 'and'.
A little side note, I hope that I can edit this sufficiently before submitting. Looking back at that last paragraph, it's looking kinda rough. I wouldn't want to leave this alone for too long, or I might come back and find I don't understand what I wrote down. Let me tell you up front, weaving all my interjecting thoughts together is difficult, and I have already failed a miserable death in trying to write a gonzo piece. I have regrouped any ideas I once had in order to finish the mission to the best of my ability.
Now, the Gondor and witch doctor ads, I think they were for the same online company, but couldn't capture my full attention much like that Geico insurance caveman commercial. The price tag that came with these failures was a hefty one, the most expensive time slot on television, it was expected that a lot of people tuned into watch Brady get his ass handed back to him by Manning. There it was, a perfect season hung in the air, this is big, that means a price tag asking for big money. If you're not going to go big then go home. It's a waste else wise.
If you managed to stick with me this far, you must have been waiting for more references to Thompson's work, but up to this point I have been struggling to just keep afloat in this sea of ethanol. So I am not about to try anything fancy right now. I also really need to get stoned, trying to beat down all these random thoughts can become stressful. I find I'm asking myself, "what's important when trying to expose filth?" I could throw a fucking dart anywhere, at any organization, and find them hiding some dirt. But, the NFL handles its filth with such a perverse form of dignity that the only thing comparable that comes to mind, and that is a glory hole. For those who don't know what this is; this is a place where men go to stick their erect dicks in a wall to receive fellatio other types of gratification. The act can be rewarding if the loss of a good portion of your cash isn't a problem, if you have got money and are trying to save what dignity you have left then you can get blown in a somewhat anonymous fashion. If you pay for space during the Super Bowl then you should splurge on the writing for your advertisement. If you go small, it's like he's a small man with a flaccid penis, what did you expect? He isn't going to be getting any love even with the little blue pill because he is not equiped with the proper goods. You have got to stand out and flaunt all that you have got to be noticed. If you don't, it is best you go with you run-of-the-mill street walker.
I had abandoned my notes up to this point, and I don't think returning now will give me a better position or some type of greater wisdom. Returning now will just further prove I don't know what I'm doing. So, what's stopping me? Nothing. I have an extensive list of short descriptions to help me narrow down who got the most from their time slot, and I'm sure that nothing will come from these scribbled words. It wasn't clear who got the most love. Other than all the Budweiser ads barely getting anything, I enjoyed Coke's parade balloon battle over the bottle of Coke, that was a classic move on their part. The CGI was big this year and they went big with it, and I would like to extend them my props. Way to go, dawgs!
The giant FedEx pigeons and Napoleon's GPS ads also did a good job when came to stuffing sausage, the ideas were funny and set the hook for the punch line. The rest failed to find gratification from any opportunities they might of had with the NFL's Glory hole. Toyota's suckling wolverines and Planter Peanut's ugly seductress left me asking myself what the fuck was the joke. Oh, they were meant to be ironic, well nice try, they sucked. Now days, this is what we get mostly any more, non-personal trash that leaves us feeling hollowed out like the wall that once protected us from the smut on the other side. That was until somebody cut out a hole big enough to fit their member. It's the nature of man to stick his dick in things that it doesn't belong, and the erect cocks are commercial advertisements stuck in the hole that NFL provides so we the consumers can be gagged and violated willingly with relatively little interaction with either party. I leave with my belches tasting like spiced rum, and in the true spirit of gonzo journalism, my thoughts semi-incoherent like my state of consciousness and any perspective is purely one-sided...
Jaunaury 15, 2008 | March 13, 2008