Today ended up being rather
bittersweet. The majority of the day I worked, and it was uneventful. However, I just returned from an
outing.
I choose the word 'outing' purposefully. I went to
Adventure Landing, with Sarah. She's one of my cousin's rather distant friends. I've known her for a while now, but we never talked a lot. Obviously she's
cute and
nice and
smart, so I have a small
crush on her. She knows this. She has told me before that she isn't interested in me, and was hurt a while back when I tried to date her and was unwilling to accept that she wasn't interested but wanted to be friends. I simply told her I had enough friends, and that I was close to them, and didn't see a need for another friend, especially if she'd be
distant. I had lots of friends, most being girls, but I had
no girlfriend. Seemed logical enough at the time to tell her this. Nowadays I realize what a jerk I was.
But I
digress... We went to Adventure Landing and afterwards
Friendly's. We had a fun time and we talked a lot. We get together quite well. The only thing I don't understand is why exactly she wants to be only
friends. From what I can tell she does kinda like me. I mean I talked about some rather
personal things and she was very interested in my stories and also was
shocked for me. She acts like I do when I like someone - the little things that normally wouldn't bug you about someone else nagged at her. We get upset over small things every once in a while, and I know it's on my end because I like her. I assume the same on her end. We spoke of my "first" and she was dissapointed that it wasn't the most moral of situations, and said that I deserve better. She shows all the
signs so far as I can tell. It just doesn't make sense.
It got me in a somewhat sad mood right now as the "outing" ended. I don't really know how I get in these situations. I have a lot of girls who are friends. They all like who I am. But they all just want to be friends, no matter what happens between us. And it makes me
wonder do I really deserve better? I don't see how. I can't even get a girlfriend these days. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm overly
shy, and I always end up liking the ones I know better. So they all end up being friends with one another. And they all just wanna be friends.
Girls says they want a
nice guy, but once they meet one they change their minds - nice guys are ok, but the "bad boys" are more exciting. So the nice guy always ends up being the
confidant, the shoulder to cry on, the stability in chaos, and the one who truly makes your life better. But he never gets what he desires and deserves....