Yeah, yeah, "
writeup does not mean reply." But as a
survivor of something I personally consider "
child sexual abuse," I've got something to say about the lines that the above writer is trying to draw between
abuse and pedophilia, and it's not something that
only s/he needs to hear. Anyone who has heard the pedophile adult's side of the story (and since the sources of that writeup include such pro-pedophile organizations as the Danish Pedophile Association, at least some of that writeup is from that perspective) needs to hear the other side, the
child's side. No
therapist led me to believe that I was suffering negative aftereffects -- I came to that conclusion on my own, before I'd ever seen a therapist, when I burst out in tears the first time a guy my own age put his hand on my
breast.
"Seen from this perspective, pedophilia is suddenly something very different than your average child molester." What makes you think this isn't exactly the situation that your average child molester is in? The book Transforming Trauma by Anna C. Salter said something that really stuck in my mind, that there were two types of child sexual abusers that often had opposite effects on their victims.
- There was the type who did things to a child that both they and the child knew the child did not enjoy, and the survivor of that kind of abuse is terrified of being close to and understood by people because it makes them vulnerable, that anything someone knows about them can be used against them.
- The other type of abuser acted like the child enjoyed what was happening; this can take place whether the abuser really thinks the child is enjoying the events or is only pretending to think the child enjoys themself. Survivors of this type of abuse want everyone to know and understand them, to avoid any such misunderstanding in the future where someone thinks the person is enjoying events they really hate. I think this is the sort of thing that a lot of "pedophiles" are doing; even if they believe the child is not being harmed, they may not really understand what is going on from the child's point of view.
"Pedophilia: The child can withdraw at any moment according to its
desire. The adult respects the child's wish and does not blame the child for its decision." Most relationships between consenting adults don't end this sweetly, much less one involving a child who is used to seeing adults and what they want as
authority and the way things must be. Adults are in a position where they can be "
friends" of a child and still have power over the child merely because they are
adults, perhaps
role models, and certainly seen as more
experienced and knowledgeable about any issue the child is unfamiliar with.
"Sexual Abuse: The adult is not interested in the child as a person, at the most as an occasional sex object.
Pedophilia:The adult expresses interest in the child's world. There is common ground, even if the contact is only a single event."
My grandfather was interested in my world. He was and is a member of my family who loves me and cares about my life, then and now, just as much as the rest of my family who never laid a sexual hand on me do. After the last time he tried anything with me, when I got up the courage to push him out of the room and lock the door behind him, he spoke to me later that day and said "I'm glad you're not scared to be around me." (And the fact that he let me push him out of the room without fighting me obviously proves he wasn't physically forcing me into anything.) Hurting me was not his desire, but it was the result nonetheless. And dealing with how someone who does love you could have hurt you is one of the most difficult things for children, no matter what kind of hurt it is.
"Sexual Abuse: The relationship is not equivalent. In the respect of upbringing or education, there is repression, authority or manipulation.
Pedophilia: The aim is to create an equal partnership. In the case of a continued relation it develops to friendship. ...
{In pedophilia} The aim is more space to express emotions. Power is balanced. Child and adult share the power."
Not really possible. Children are smaller than adults; children are used to being in the control of adults; children are less experienced in dealing with people's behavior. An adult may not be aware of being manipulative, but that doesn't mean they aren't having an effect on the child.
And something that is harmful that is never even mentioned: sexual contact with an older person teaches a child that sex is so important that this older person is willing to risk breaking laws, societal ostracism, and possible harm to the child to have this sexual contact. That's something that sticks in the mind and causes all sorts of problems for the child as they grow up, be it pressuring others for sex because it's so important or assuming it will be as important to others as it was to that older person and forming relationships on that assumption. (I wrote a whole essay on this theme at http://www.segnbora.com/harm.html, using myself and the other people I know who had sexual contact in childhood with people substantially older.) Don't read the psychological treatises; read I Never Told Anyone or other collections of stories from those who feel they were sexually abused, and see how many of their abusers didn't think they were doing any harm.
I'm not saying this idealized pedophilic relationship of the other writeup never ever happens, but I am saying that it's a lot rarer than contacts made by pedophiles who think they are living that harmless ideal but really aren't, and aren't aware of what happens to those children after they've grown out of the pedophile's attraction to them.