This letter has been sitting in my desk drawer for the best part of a fortnight, and while most of it IS in fact still applicable, I made the descision tonight not to send it. So I present to the letter to my boyfriend which I shall never send.

Hi {SO},

Before you feel all excited to have received a letter from me, know that I am about to be really selfish and dump all of my feelings about everything onto you. To make up for this I have included nudes. But anyway. I know you said I could always talk to you about my feelings, good or bad, but I still feel guilty. That is, at least in part why I'm choosing to write to you instead of pouring this all out over fb messenger one afternoon when you'd feel the need to console me or be taken away from your day. Also know that by the time you actually receive this, some of this stuff will have been resolved, or no longer relevant, or at the very least no longer playing on my mind.

To give you some context, today's the day I found out that I couldn't do {volunteer program that I intended to work with all summer, name redacted} this year. Firstly, I know this is all my fault since I should have organised it earlier, but that doesn't mean it doesn't piss me off. Of course there's always next year to do {volunteer program} but probably not in New York, and probably not with {Friend from school} (I didn't mention that before, but she was considering joining me out there in July), and I say 'there's always next year' with a lot of things, and I know that if I keep saying that suddenly my life will be over never having fulfilled any of my 'great plans'. That sounded more depressing than I intended it to. You get my point.

I was kinda content still being here knowing the little time I had left led down to a wonderfully long, fruitful summer, but now it kinda seems like it isn't leading down to much at all. This time last year I was trying to get every last minute out of being at University even despite my great summer plans but you know how desperately I want to get out of here now. As I'm sure you figured since I hadn't told you about it, nothing HUGE has kicked off in the house recently, but that doesn't mean I hate it any less. I hear them running around the house screaming and doing their stupid fucking high pitched laughs at shit I'm not allowed to be involved in and it just makes me want to RUN.

{Housemate} isn't doing an internship now, and is therefore going to be in {city} next year while I'm still here. Honestly I wish I was living elsewhere. I am so looking forward to living with you (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart) but I wish it could be elsewhere. Now they're still going to have their little clique absorbing all the people I would otherwise spend my time with. Yeah it's selfish, but I wanted them split up; after they've caused me so much pain the least I could ask for is for their existence (as a conglomerate, I'm not wishing death on them, quite) to cease.

And I found out today that despite the Student Union telling me NOTHING about that bloody thing, that I've been entered in the BUCS competition this weekend. Which would be fine except I've planned our finial hockey social to fall on the night before, and I have to drive to friggin Manchester the next day. So I A) can't enjoy that night because I have to drive, and B) can't go up the night before the competition and have banter with my shooting friends.

Speaking of which, I've seriously fucked shooting up this year. I at least went to the training weekends at the start, but I don't think I've gone since Christmas. SO many people invested a lot of time and effort (and money in the case of my scholarship) and I'm kinda just pissing it up the wall. TBF I'm not playing hockey as often either. I think all the bullshit of this year kinda put me in a bubble and I stopped engaging with the good shit in a desperate effort to find it at home (which of course failed dramatically).

I'm gonna stop now. This wasn't as long as I intended it to be, but that's what immediately comes to the surface and I am NOT in the mood for soul searching at present. I'm definitely most upset about this summer anyway. I was so looking forward to it.

At least I get to see you. Thanks for getting this far through the letter {SO}. I love you so much and appreciate you even more.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sazzz
xxxxx


Oh shit, actually this is a good time to tell you what I couldn't find the right moment to on our vacation; my father is seriously ill and may be dying. So on that joyous note...