Return to Heroes of Wrestling (thing)

On my neverending attempt to find a Pay-Per-View event worse than Great American Bash '91, I stumbled upon this show. Headlined as "Heroes of Wrestling," it was basically an old-timers reunion put on by some small-time independent promoter. And it's really bad. I'll even bother to provide match ratings so you can follow along at home.

We're LIVE from some casino in Mississippi sometime in 1999. No recollection of when. Your first host is Dutch Mantell, who knows about wrestling. Your second host is Randy Rosenbloom, who does not. Gordon Solie, a legend of the business, was scheduled to be the second announcer, but he didn't show. As far as I can tell, Rosenbloom is some guy with no clue what professional wrestling is who they picked up off the street and asked him to co-host the card.


Match 1: The Samoan Swat Team vs. Marty Jannetty & Tommy Rogers. My Rockers Spider-sense is tingling, so Jannetty must be loaded up tonight. Ironically, Fatu would go on to sign with the WWF and become Rikishi soon after this. The match is nothing terribly offensive. 1/2*


Match 2: Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs. George "The Animal" Steele w/Sherri Martel. As with every other Steele match since 1960, he eats a turnbuckle and has his ubiquitous foreign object with him. Sherri turns on him for no apparent reason. To get her heat back, I guess. -***, and not even CLOSE to the worst match of the night.


Match 3: Julio Fantastico vs. 2 Cold Scorpio. Why is this on an old-timers card? This should have been a decent match, but both guys blow spots right and left. Misses out on being the Match of the Night by a hair. *


Match 4: The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff vs. The Bushwhackers. I always got a kick out of the Bushwhackers. Must be my enlightened intellect. The heel manager waves a USSR flag just to be totally out of date. I mean really, what's wrong with Iran? We don't like them very much either, and you have an Iranian RIGHT THERE in the match. -****, and still not the worst match of the night.


--I feel it important to mention at this point that the Iron Sheik used to be the Iranian amateur wrestling champion, as well as the WWF Champion for a brief month in 1983-84 before losing the belt to Hulk Hogan. Today, he can barely move around the ring. It makes me very sad to see him on television like this. He's also apparently broke: If you pay his fee of $500 per appearance, you--and I mean you--can have the Sheik come and pretty much do anything you want for two hours. Wrestling, wiffleball, anything. He'll sit on your couch and tell you old wrestling stories if you want, as long as he gets paid.


Match 5: Stan Lane vs. Tully Blanchard. Five points for trying, a hundred negative points for the lame double pin ending. Tully gets his shoulder up and wins, in case you care. Both guys were decent enough for what it was. 1/2*


Match 6: One Man Gang vs. Abdullah the Butcher. I demand to know who decided One Man Gang was a "Hero", "Legend", "Superstar", or any such term. I want to know because that person deserves to be severely beaten. SHOCKING TWIST: Abdullah blades. -***


Match 7: Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Jimmy Snuka. Hey, I remember watching Orton on Saturday Night's Main Event back in the dark ages. He has Captain Lou Albano with him. CAPTAIN LOOOUUUUU! Sloooow, but perfectly acceptable. Snuka hits a bodypress off the top rope for the win. MATCH OF THE NIGHT, BAYBEE: *1/2


--Backstage interview with Jake Roberts. If I had to take my best guess of how many drugs Roberts was on here, I would guess:

And I swear to god I'm being totally serious. The interviewer looks like he's about to piss his pants.


Match 8: Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Roberts is obviously very, very, very fucked up. You might've caught that hint in the last section. Neidhart just has no idea what to do. Roberts takes out Damien (his pet snake, for those of you who didn't watch wrestling in the late '80s) and waves it around like a penis. The agents backstage start to freak out, rightfully so, and so King Kong Bundy comes out to run interference and minimize the damage Jake can do. It doesn't work, as Roberts can't even hit his finishing move (the DDT) correctly. So, they go for broke and send out Yokozuna as well (note that the advertised main event was Yokozuna vs. Bundy) and turn it into a surrogate tag team match to try to salvage the situation. JAKE DIDN'T LACE HIS BOOTS, and when Neidhart pulls his leg to prevent a tag, the boot comes off. That's just about the "highlight" of the match. Oh no, wait, what was I thinking, that was Jake waving his snake around like a penis. Bundy splashes Jake and gets the pinfall to end this schmozz, and the show goes off the air 15 minutes early without ever having the main event. Worst Match of the Night, Worst Match of the Year, possibly Worst Match Ever. -*****

 

Looking back, I have NO IDEA how the Kennel From Hell match beat this main event out for Worst Match of the Year for 1999. I think people must've permanently repressed this from their memory or something. I would still have to go with Great American Bash '91 as the Worst Show Ever, but only because Heroes of Wrestling had zero historical significance.

If you like crap, then THIS SHOW IS FOR YOU.

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