Chain letter email (idea)

I don't get so many emails from friends. I'm the sort of person who, for whatever reason, generally has to actively engage others to establish communication. That is to say, I have to contact other people, they rarely come spontaneously to me. So nothing irritates me more than when an email from out the blue turns out, on inspection, to be nothing more than another bland forwarded chain email, usually these days in the form of a 'questionnaire' and doubtlessly with some clever new twist on the formula: Answer these questions about the person who sent this! Answer these questions about how you think others see you! Blah blah blah. I never respond to these emails. I have a variety of reasons, but the one that occurred to me most recently was the thought of who originally wrote the chain email.

What were they thinking? What were they trying to accomplish? Did they genuinely believe that their little quiz would be fascinating and worthwhile to the field of psychology, or a source of mirth and joy worthy of professional showmen, or even offer deep philosophical insights to the nature of being in a way that average Joe would understand? Or did they simply want to know if the good looking guy down the hall had noticed them and came up with a little scheme to find out? All these questions and more will be answered, all you need do is follow the instructions below:

We're going to need some resources for this one, it's a bit cumbersome as chain emails go, and for that I apologise slightly. Firstly- Actually let's get going with some numbers:

1. Crappy one first, take some time to think of the strongest memory you have of doing something that makes you ashamed, embarassed, and saturated in self-loathing and doubt. Flesh it out in your mind, then boil it down to a simple sentence and write that sentence down. You can use windows notepad for this if you like. Keep it, we'll need it later.
2. OK, this should be a little better, we're now to think of the best, most glowing accomplishment of our lives. The best thing you've done, that made you feel proud to be you, and probably made others proud, jealous or just glad to know you. Or perhaps no-one knows about it, a little private glory, whatever, it will do nicely.
3. Now answer these questions. Make a note of your answers.
   1. Use an adjective to describe the colour red. An adjective is a describing word, eg "glorious". What does the colour red make you think of (in adjective form)?
   2. How do you feel about the torture of animals by small children? One adjective please.
   3. When you first had sex, how was it for the other person? Alternatively you could talk about a first kiss, or any other first physical act of intimacy. One adjective.
   4. Using a scale from 0 (suicidal) to 10 (euphoric) how does the phrase "Bill Clinton rarely wears a dress" make you feel?
   5. Using a scale from 0 (surfing a sea of adoring fans) to 10 (the cold, dark heart of a dead universe) how lonely do you feel at the thought of a plate of peas?
   6. If we say for the sake of argument, that god exists, and you meet him, except that he turns out to be a total idiot, what one adjective springs to mind?
   7. You pet a favourite animal, which immediately pees all over you. Adjective please.
   8. Another scale: for the rest of your life you must choose a place on the balance: 0 (no sex, lots of love) to 10 (no love, lots of sex).
   9. Have another go at the previous question, truthfully this time. No-one is watching.
   10. Your mother loves/loved you. 0 (enraged) to 5 (happy, but a little uncomfortable) to 10 (as jesus). Choose.
   11. Your father hates/hated you. 0 (not as much as you hate him) to 5 (well screw him then, his loss) to 10 (as jesus). Choose.
   12. The person who sent you this. 0 (selfish, naiive, contemptible asshole) to 10 (the one who gives your life meaning). Let them know how you feel. Include also an adjective.
   13. As above, only this time we're gonna keep it to ourselves, they don't get to know. Remember the adjective.
   14. Scale from 0 (the body is a machine, awareness is an illusion) to 5 (you are your soul, your body is just a machine) to 10 (your body is you, you are your body).
   15. 0 (the entirety of who you are is contained within your flesh) to 10 (the body is simply the expression of some divine will outside of the physical realm).
   16. What is your favourite human bodily fluid or excretion?
   17. The first word that pops into your head:
   18. Walking in the mountains you spot someone atop a precipice. They slip and fall freely. Do you watch them land?
   19. You as a figure of authority: 0 (no) to 10 (yes):
   20. How sexually alluring would you be, if that were what you were about? (0 to 10, as above)
   21. You are standing above the dead body of a child, a sharp, bloodstained knife is in your hand. You DID kill the child. Why? (Yes you did. Answer the question.)
   22. An angry person of the gender you are primarily sexually attracted to is shouting at you, they are in a position of superiority and are imposing and dominating. A short while later, you are embracing them (non-sexually) in your arms as they cry into your chest. One adjective.
   23. Now you are the 'angry person' from above, and the person who sent you this is the other character in the scene. One adjective.
   24. Swap the roles over. One adjective.
   25. The first word that leaps into your head:
   26. Mother. The first word that somersaults into your head:
   27. Lunchtime, friends are watching you pick up the destroyed remnants of whatever food you were excited about eating. Adjective please.
   28. How many people do you think fantasise about you sexually?
   29. How many of those interest you?