From time to time it is necessary to rewrite scriptures to be more readable to the modern generation, as the King James Version was in its day and the New International Version in its own. And with that in mind, I proffer:

Fucking Genesis 1, Bitch


The Fucking Beginning

1 In the fucking beginning God fucking created the fucking heavens and the fucking earth.

2 Now the fucking earth was fucking formless and empty, fucking darkness was over the fucking surface of the fucking deep, and the fucking Spirit of God was just, like, fucking hovering over the fucking waters, like some kind of fucking hovering fuck.

3 And God fucking said, “Let there be some motherfucking light up in this bitch,” and fuck-all if there wasn't motherfucking light.

4 "Fuck!!" went God, when he fucking saw that the motherfucking light was so fucking good, and he separated the motherfucking light from the fucking darkness.

5 God called the motherfucking light “fucking, day,” and the fucking darkness he fucking called “fucking, night, bro.” Because, you know, sometimes the fucking daylight is too fucking intense and harshes his buzz. And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the first fucking day.

6 And God fucking said, “Let there be a fucking vault between the fucking waters to fucking separate water from water.”

7 So God fucking went "WHOMP!!" and made the fucking vault and separated the fucking water under the fucking vault from the fucking water above it. And it was fucking so, bitch.

8 God fucking called the fucking vault “sky.” And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the second fucking day.

9 And God fucking said, “Let the fucking water under the fucking sky be gathered to one place, and let fucking dry ground appear.” And it was fucking so, bitch.

10 God called the fucking dry ground “land,” and the fucking gathered waters he fucking called “seas.” And God saw that it was so fucking good.

11 Then God fucking said, “Let the fucking land produce fucking vegetation: seed-bearing plants and fucking trees on the fucking land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was fucking so, bitch.

12 the fucking land produced fucking vegetation: fucking plants bearing fucking seed according to their fucking kinds and fucking trees bearing fucking fruit with seed in it according to fucking their kinds. And God saw that it was so fucking good.

13 And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the third fucking day.

14 And God fucking said, “Let there be lights in the fucking vault of the fucking sky to separate the fucking day from the fucking night, and let them serve as signs to mark fucking sacred-ass times, and fucking days and years.

15 And let them be fucking lights in the fucking vault of the fucking sky to give fucking light on the fucking earth.” And it was fucking so, bitch.

16 God fucking made two great lights—the greater light to govern the fucking day and the fucking lesser light to govern the fucking night. He made the fucking stars while he was at it.

17 God fucking set them in the fucking vault of the fucking sky to give light on the fucking earth.

18 To govern the fucking day and the fucking night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was so fucking good.

19 And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the fourth fucking day.

20 And God fucking said, “Let the fucking water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the fucking earth across the fucking vault of the fucking sky.”

21 So God created the fucking great creatures of the fucking sea, great whales, and the mega shark and the giant octopus, and fucking mermaids and sea serpents and the motherfucking kraken, and every living thing with which the fucking water teems and that moves about in it, according to their fucking kinds, and every fucking winged bird according to its fucking kind. And God saw that it was so fucking good.

22 God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the fucking water in the fucking seas, and let the fucking birds increase on the fucking earth.”

23 And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the fifth fucking day.

24 And God fucking said, “Let the fucking land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the fucking livestock, the fucking creatures that move along the fucking ground, and the fucking wild animals, each according to its fucking kind.” And it was fucking so, bitch.

25 God fucking made the fucking wild animals according to their fucking kinds, the fucking livestock according to their kinds, and all the fucking creatures that move along the fucking ground according to their kinds. And then, God got totally shitfaced, he started giggling like a motherfucker and made the platypus. And God saw that it was so fucking good.

26 Then God fucking said, “Let us fucking make fucking mankind in our fucking image, in our fucking likeness, so that they may fucking rule like motherfucking boss over the fucking fish in the fucking sea and the fucking birds in the fucking sky, over the fucking livestock and all the fucking wild animals, and over all the fucking creatures that fucking move along the fucking ground.”

27 So God fucking created mankind in his own fucking image, in the fucking image of fucking God he created them, bitch; fucking male and fucking female he fucking created them.

28 God fucking blessed the fuck out of them and fucking told them, “Be fucking fruitful -- that means lots of fucking -- and fucking increase in number; fucking fill the fucking earth and fucking subdue that motherfucker. Rule the fuck over the fucking fish in the fucking sea and the fucking birds in the fucking sky and over every fucking living creature that fucking moves on the fucking ground.”

29 Then God fucking said, “I fucking give you every fucking seed-bearing plant on the fucking face of the fucking whole earth and every fucking tree that has fucking fruit with fucking seed in it. They will fucking be yours for fucking food.

30 And to all the fucking beasts of the fucking earth and all the fucking birds in the fucking sky and all the fucking creatures that move along the fucking ground—every fucking thing that has the fucking breath of life in it—I give every fucking green plant for fucking food, bitches.” And it was fucking so, bitch.

31 God fucking saw all that he had made, and it was very fucking good. And there was fucking evening, and there was fucking morning—the sixth fucking day. And God was totally burned the fuck out, so he took a fucking nap and didn't wake up for fucking billions and billions of years. He had that habit.