The Best Day of My Life
cigarette company is now my favorite corporation in the world.
I just got back from the liquor store. I walked down there to buy a pack of Kamel Red Lights
, the new hot brand of cigarettes with the pretty box. I smoke for style more than taste.
Well I walked into the store and there were two guys behind the counter, one that I recognized from going in there all the time, and one that I'd never seen before. I asked for a pack of Kamel Red Lights, and the first guy got all flustered because he didn't have any.
The second guy leaned over and grabbed a pack of Camel Turkish Golds off the rack.
"Here! Try our new brand of cigarettes, Camel Turkish Golds. They're really smooth and delicious."
I just stared at him for a second and said a very hesitant "Okaaaaaay..." I handed the first guy four dollars.
The second guy went into a whole sales speech: "I work for the Camel corporation! We just released this new brand of cigarettes and we're trying to get the Marlboro Light
customers to switch over to us."
"What a coincidence!" I said, "I was a Marlboro Light smoker all this time but I've just recently gotten sick of them!"
"Really?" He said, and then to the first guy "Here, I'll buy her a pack of cigarettes. Just ring her up for the first one."
My jaw dropped. FREE FUCKING CIGARETTES PURCHASED FOR ME BY A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE CAMEL CORPORATION. Fuck all that shit about the tobacco companies "making a killing off me," forget all the lies about them being seedy and underhanded, I don't believe that they're trying to trick little kids into picking up smoking. THE TOBACCO COMPANY IS MY BEST FRIEND! THEY BOUGHT ME A FREE PACK OF CIGARETTES!
I started chatting with the guy. "You know, the box on the Kamel Red Lights is really much prettier. It definately markets well to the younger generation. This box is just, well, ugly. It looks like the type of cigarettes an old person would smoke."
"Is that so.." he said, "I thought this box was quite nice. Notice how we have the blue on it? That's new."
"Yeah, the blue is a nice touch, but something flashier and more stylish would definately draw more of a crowd. This just makes me think it's the same old thing as all the other Camel cigarettes."
"Really, well, I'll be sure and let them know that. Thanks for the input. Why don't you go outside right now and try one and let me know what you think?"
The tobacco company encouraging kids to smoke? No way... this guy only has my best interests in mind.
"I'll do that right now!" I told him, "In fact, if I like it, I'll get all my friends to start smoking them! You're my best friend! Let's get married right now!!!"
Well I didn't really ask him to marry me, but I did go outside and try a new Camel Turkish Gold. And you know what? It was positively delicious.
Long live Mr. Reynolds, of the Reynolds Tobacco Co.