March 9, 2001 (thing)
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|Oh man. Where to begin.. I just need to rant. I don't want to be kept up another night because I'm thinking too much again.|
I'm going to a rave tomorrow night in san antonio with a friend of mine. I am incredibly excited. However, something always has to rain on my parade. I think my ex is going to be there. Why?!?! Grrr...
I thought that I was getting over him, but recently I have been feeling things that I shouldn't toward him. No more nasty 'I wish you were dead you asshole' thoughts. More like 'poor him, I wish there was something i could do' thoughts. I can't have these thoughts. If I have these nice thoughts then that means that I dont hate him. If the anger isn't there then what is going to keep me from messaging him up and saying "Hi, its me"...
Things have been going ok for me. School isn't stressing me out as bad as it used to. I finally made some friends in my classes. My hair is this excellent colour of aqua, I mean what could be missing?
I'll tell you what is missing...
I get out of class on Wednesdays at 8, incredibly tired and stressed. I would like to be able to come home to arms stretched open and lay in then all nite to take the nasty day away.
That is what is missing.
Love is missing from my life. I'd like some.
Not that normal : First date kiss, Second date maybe more, Third date in the sack, kind of love. I want passionate, spontaneous love.
I want someone to make me feel... to make me feel, well...to make me feel like he made me feel.
So I don't know what to do. I want to see him. But I don't. I want to move on. But I can't. I need to hate him, but I have no hate left. I don't know if what I'm feeling is love for him, or perhaps just lingering curiousity.
DAMN STUPID HUMAN EMOTIONS.