I was running around the lake near my house today (I like to keep in top physical shape
), when I saw a kid walking around whom I have known for years. We had even been friends for a short time a while ago, which was when I introduced him to drugs
. Then I stopped, of course, but he never did. In fact, he even deals dope
nowadays, and ironically enough, he often sells the junk to my little brother. Karma's a bitch
But I couldn't help but feel guilty for him. Before we started hanging out, he was an honors student, never got in trouble, star of the soccer team. Now? Burn out city. But here I am, happily running along in my own life, and there he is, happily ruining his own. Maybe he would have been better off if I had never been born. Maybe if I never existed, he would still be doing well in school, and be getting all these scholarship offers from Ivy League schools. Maybe I should have killed myself four years ago and saved a life.
But it's funny how life works out sometimes. Who's to say that instead of us hanging out one day, he wouldn't have been hit by a car crossing the street somewhere else? Maybe I saved his life anyway. He could come to realize that this isn't the life he wants to live and get his life back on track. Maybe I made the right decision four years ago.
I came home and started listening to CDs I forgot I even had. Purely for nostalgia, of course. There's something about living in the past that seems so satisfying, even if futile. I could look at the different bands I would listen to at different parts of my life, and instantly, all the memories, all the feelings I had during those times came flooding back to me. Music is pretty powerful stuff.
My doctor got my X-rays back today. I don't have sinusitis anymore, apparently. Then why do I feel like hell everytime I wake up, everytime I breathe, everytime I look in the mirror? My doctor wanted me to make an appointment with a neurologist to see if he could find anything wrong with my head. Of course I'm sick in the head. But I doubt he'll find anything. I'm so tired nowadays. Like a grumpy old man about to leave the world. I like to sleep. I think I will.