Walking out of my house today to pick up my drycleaning I realized that I could've easily passed for a Russian hitman. Here's a handy guide on how you too (yes, you!) can become a hitman for the Russian mob:
- Dress all in black. Not gothy black, classy black. Black (Italian) suit and a black turtleneck sweater. As I said, it was laundry day. I don't premeditate clothing.
- Wear dark sunglasses and dark leather gloves. Again, I have a perfectly valid excuse. It was one of those days when it's bright and sunny, but bitingly cold at the same time. I love that kind of weather, but it sometimes makes for weird sartorial pairings. Dark suit, dark sunglasses, dark gloves? Yep, that's the hitman look all right. Where does the Russian part come in, you ask? Stay tuned.
- Don't shave. This is very important. You see, Russian hitmen, like most mobsters, have lots of money and thus wear fancy suits, but also have that dirty, "streets" look. "Rough trade in a good suit," in the immortal words of Michael Mann.
- The devil is in the details. This next item is really what will make the difference between someone who makes old ladies cross to the other side of the street when they see him and someone who thinks he looks cool because he wears a good suit and sunglasses: Wear white sneakers with your black suit. This is what seals it. Now you really look like you got off the plane from Moscow, "found" a big kraft envelope containing big wads of cash, a picture of a man with an address printed at the back and a gun, and are on your way to your next job.
I can guarantee you, if you have the cojones to leave the house dressed like that, women will collapse with fear, men will run away, and the world will be your oyster. Or everyone may just silently mock you. One or the other.
If someone is offended at my portrayal of Russian hitmen, let it be known that I lived in Russia and Ukraine for three years during and after the fall of the Berlin Wall, and have been infrequently travelling back there since, so I got to see a few of them up close.
I unchecked the "Don't display" box because, since it's the evening and I had to create a node, I'm guessing the writeup will never get any attention otherwise. Of course now it will just get BAD attention, but that's another issue altogether...