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"Rifleman's stalking the sick and the lame, Preacherman seeks the same, who'll get there first is uncertain." -Dylan, "Jokerman"
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Veritas odit moras.

Bye bye.


A fun fact:

It takes billions of more muscles to frown than to smile. So frowning is exercise! It will make your face limber and wrinkle free!


For the scenes in which actors in suits were used, extremely short performers were chosen. Although this allowed the sets to be built slightly smaller (and thus less expensively) the real reason was that it allowed the camera crews to record the action from an extremely low angle without having the camera see the top of the miniature sets. As an additional bonus, smaller actors meant smaller costumes which meant less weight to be handled during the complex wirework in the flying sequences.

In the hustle-bustle of this hurdy-gurdy topsy-turvey world of ours, don't forget to take the time to stop and snip the heads off a few roses.


The Scripture of the Lamentations of the Mother:

"Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, whether broiled or ground, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but just not in the living room. Of the soy foods such as tofu hotdogs and other healthy but disappointingly bland foods you may eat and indeed should eat, but even these you must not eat in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the rice and of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and various provenance you also may eat, but not in the living room. Of frozen desserts and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices of the fruits and of the berries and other beverages such as those that are carbonated, you may drink, but not in the living room; neither may you carry such as these therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

"But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

"Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, not fork, not knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your toy blocks in that milk, and lick it off, you will be sent to roam over the face of the earth. Having drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises into it sounding like unto a duck. Do this and you will be sent away, nameless and homeless.

"When you chew your food, keep your the lips of your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show unto your brother or unto your sister what is there within; I say unto you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. I am serious."


Caution: correctional facility ahead. Do not pick up hitchhikers.


Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea...

Canadian's Testicles Torn Off, Girlfriend Charged

TORONTO (Reuters) - A man is recovering from an unwanted birthday surprise after a fight with his girlfriend in which she is alleged to have yanked his testicles so hard she tore them from his scrotum, the Globe and Mail reported on Tuesday.

The 46-year-old man had just returned from birthday celebrations early Monday morning in Pickering, east of Toronto, when, according to police, he and his girlfriend got into a fight.

"Last we heard, last night he was at Pickering Ajax Hospital waiting for surgery to have them put back on," police told the Globe. "That was quite the birthday present he got."

The woman was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, the paper reported. Police are not releasing her name, to protect the identity of her partner.

"It must have been one hell of a pull," Philip Kotz, a Toronto urologist, told the paper. "I've heard of the slicing off of a penis but the pulling out or off of the testicles by a spouse or a human is pretty uncommon. I've never seen one and I've been in practice for 50 years."

There was no word on the man's condition or chances for full recovery, but doctors said it all depends on the amount of damage to the area.

"If the testicles are pulled right off then it's goodbye Charlie, they're gone. He's not going to have any testicles," Dr. Kotz told the Globe." If, on the other hand, the scrotum was pulled off -- that's the bag that holds the testicles -- and the testicles are intact then it's not a big deal to sew the scrotum back on, depending on how badly it was wrenched off."

Similar to this incident was the case of John Wayne Bobbit, whose wife sliced off his penis and threw it into a field in 1993. Bobbit's penis was surgically reattached and he went on to star in an adult film.


Fly Boy

The British police didn't know how long the body had been there, but it was clear the man was dead. Tucked under a tree, just inside the railings of a hardware store car park, the prone figure was spotted by one of the store's staff as she arrived just before 7am. She assumed he was a drunk who had tumbled over the railings and fallen asleep while staggering home along the road. It was only as she edged over for a closer look that she noticed that his limbs were grotesquely misshapen, and the pool of lumpy liquid in which he was lying was not vomit, but the man's spilt brains. The area was hastily screened off and police launched an immediate murder investigation. But it soon emerged that a witness had seen the dead man a few minutes before his body was found.

A workman at nearby London Heathrow airport had glanced upwards to see him plummeting from the sky like a stone, his black jeans and T-shirt picked out against the washed blue early morning sky.

At Bahrain airport the night before, about 1am local time, the 21-year-old Ayaz somehow broke through a security cordon and sprinted through the dark towards a British Airways Boeing 777 that was preparing for take-off. As the ground crew backed away and the enormous aircraft dragged itself towards the runway, he ran under the wings and hauled himself into the cavernous opening above the wheels.

Getting into the wheelbay of a Boeing 777 is not easy. It involves climbing four metres up one of the aircraft's 12 enormous wheels, then finding somewhere to crouch or cling as the plane makes its way to the end of the runway and starts its deafening engines. Ayaz had to contort himself around the huge pieces of articulated steel while the tarmac slipped by beneath him, the engine accelerating to 290km/h. But it was probably only when the wheels left the ground and began to retract into the bay that he realised how much trouble he was in.

"There certainly used to be a belief that there was a secret hatch from the wheelbay into the cargo bay, and then into the passenger cabin, as if it were a castle with a dungeon and a series of secret passageways," says Goodyear.

In fact, the undercarriage compartment has no oxygen, no heating, no pressure - and no secret hatch. Ten minutes into the ascent, the temperature in the wheelbay would have been freezing. At 18,000ft, minutes later, while passengers only a few metres away were being served drinks and settling back to watch in-flight movies, Ayaz would have begun to hallucinate from lack of oxygen. At 30,000ft the temperature is minus 56 degrees. Even if he had managed to escape being crushed by the retracting wheel mechanism, he was as good as dead from the moment his feet left the runway.

"He didn't have a chance," says Paul Jackson, editor of the specialist magazine Jane's All the World's Aircraft. "At that temperature you're a block of ice - there's no way you're going to get away with it, unless the plane is forced for some reason to fly at an unusually low altitude."

By the time the plane reached British airspace, Ayaz was almost certainly long dead.

Just after 6am, between 20 and 30 kilometres from Heathrow, the plane locked onto its approach path and began to descend. Between 2,000 and 3,000ft, the captain opened the undercarriage and lowered the wheels; the young man was tipped out into the early morning sky.

The Guardian


August 12, 2001
US admits losing nuke

A NUCLEAR bomb, 100 times more powerful than the one dropped on Hiroshima, is lying 10km off the east coast of the United States.

Until now one of the most closely guarded secrets in US military history, its existence has been confirmed in newly declassified documents which reveal how it was dumped in the sea after a mid-air collision more than 40 years ago.

Pentagon officials, though admitting they do not know the bomb's exact location, insist it is safe.

They have rejected demands for it to be recovered, saying it is too dangerous to be touched.

The 3450kg hydrogen bomb, known as a Mark 15 weapon, has been lying off the coast of Georgia since February 5, 1958, when it was jettisoned from a B-47 Stratojet bomber after the plane was struck by a fighter jet during a training exercise at 36,000ft.

One of the bomber's wings was damaged and an engine dislodged.

The pilot, Maj Howard Richardson, was ordered to drop the 3.5m bomb before attempting to land.

He did so near Tybee Island, close to the mouth of the Savannah River.

Despite a 10-week search, the bomb was never found.

In a top-secret memo to the chairman of the Atomic Energy Commission (AEC), a Pentagon official wrote: "A B-47 aircraft with a (word censored) nuclear weapon aboard was damaged in a collision with an F-86 aircraft near Sylvania.

"The B-47 aircraft attempted three times unsuccessfully to land with the weapon.

"The weapon was then jettisoned visually over water off the mouth of the Savannah River. No detonation was observed."

Documents reveal the search was called off when another hydrogen bomb was accidentally dropped near Florence, South Carolina.

A TNT explosive trigger detonated on impact, but the actual nuclear device did not explode.

Troops looking for the bomb off the coast were then ordered to Florence to conduct a clean-up operation. They never returned to Tybee Island.

"The search for this weapon was discontinued on 4-16-'58 and the weapon is considered irretrievably lost," one of the declassified documents states.

The military suspected the bomb plunged into water 6m deep, coming to rest beneath about 5m of sand.

The bomb's existence was only made public when a salvage company, run by former CIA officer Bert Soleau, offered to find it.

Now Georgians are demanding action, but the military is standing firm, saying recovery could take five years and cost $23 million.

Officials claim the bomb is safe because, though it contained 180kg of TNT to trigger the atomic explosion, a vital link between the TNT and the nuclear device had been removed. Without the link -- in this case a capsule containing plutonium -- detonation was impossible.

This has been challenged by former servicemen and residents, who have discovered documents stating it was armed.

Derek Duke, a former US Air Force pilot from Savannah, cites a 1966 memo to the Congress Joint Committee on Atomic Energy by W.J. Howard, then assistant to the secretary of defence, stating that the bomb was a "complete weapon".

Howard H. Nixon, a former crew chief who loaded nuclear weapons on to planes at Georgia's Hunter Army Airfield from 1957 to 1959, said the bombs were always armed.

"Never in my air force career did I install a Mark 15 weapon without installing the plutonium capsule," he said.

The capsule debate has failed to convince Mr Duke. "It's a nuclear bomb," he said.

"It's like if I take the battery out of your car, then I try to convince you it's not a car."

Tybee Islanders agree. Mayor Walter Parker said: "It's in the best interest of everybody that it be found to determine what condition the weapon is in."

Resident Ken Wade was more blunt: "There is no doubt we've got a nuclear bomb right here in our neighbourhood."


Wednesday August 22 11:09 AM ET
Men Bought Skull to Be Millionaires

LAGOS (Reuters) - Three men hoping to be millionaires were arrested in southwestern Nigeria for possessing a human skull that they planned to use in money-making rituals, police said Tuesday.

"We arrested the three suspects last week at Ota,'' a police spokesman told Reuters. "One of them was in possession of a fresh human skull, which he said he bought for 500 naira ($4.50)."

The skull was to be used in witchcraft which the suspects believed would make them instant millionaires, the police said.

"The ritualist who allegedly sold the human skull is now at large," the spokesman said.

Ritual killing is common in some parts of Africa's most populous country, where people believe witchcraft involving the use of vital human organs such as genitals, eyes, tongues and skulls can make their fortunes.

In July, a teenage girl confessed to taking part in the ritual killing of 48 people in the last seven years after being initiated into a secret cult.

The 13-year-old told police in the northeastern city of Maiduguri that the body parts of victims, who included a two-year-old boy, were usually removed and sent to the cult headquarters in Nigeria's commercial center of Lagos.


Monday, June 30, 2001
Argentine 'Hostages' Actually Meditation Group

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (Reuters) - Argentine police got a surprise when they swooped in on a downtown Buenos Aires building after reports a dozen office employees had been taken hostage, local media reported on Saturday.

The "hostages" in the fourth-floor office turned out to be a group doing meditation exercises.

During the incident late on Friday, police in flak jackets blocked roads in the city center, while snipers took to roofs, helicopters flew overhead and local television broadcast the "hostage situation" live.

The police said they received calls from neighboring office employees about hearing the words, "Now you will begin to die," coming from the floor above.

Hostage-taking, often after foiled armed robberies, has become increasingly common in Argentina.


3 Canadian Sisters Killed After Funeral of Fourth

ST. JOHN'S, Newfoundland (Reuters) - Three sisters returning home from the funeral of a fourth sister were crushed and killed in a car crash in Newfoundland, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said on Tuesday.

Police said sisters' car collided with a pickup truck late on Sunday as it traveled from Port Saunders to Bear Cove on the island of Newfoundland on Canada's Atlantic coast. The driver of the pickup and the husband of one of the sisters were also killed.

The sisters were 61, 70 and 57 years old.

Police said they suspected the man driving the pickup had been drinking.


Monday August 6, 04:00 PM
Villagers feeling blue over Lost signpost

LONDON (Reuters) - Lost -- a tiny village in Scotland, called Lost.

Well not quite.

But residents in the village of Lost in Aberdeenshire are appealing for Lost to be found. The signpost for their village has gone missing.

"Lost is a tiny village and it's quite difficult to find at the best of times," Beverly Tricker, a spokeswoman for Aberdeenshire tourist board, told Reuters. "Now that someone has taken the signpost, people are getting even more lost.

"We are appealing for Lost to be found and for the signpost to be returned."


Monday August 06 08:56 AM EDT
New Stomach Stapling Option May Help Obese

For those who are morbidly obese, stomach stapling can be an effective way to lose weight. The surgery reduces the size of the stomach so that patients can't over eat and it's permanent.

Now there's a new option that doctors say may be safer and may give patients more flexibility.

"I got to a point where it was very frustrating to me and it almost gets you unmotivated," Heather Young said.

Young has had a history of weight gain and loss.

"It was pretty much a rollercoaster ride. It didn't really become unmanageable or at the obesity level until I hit the early to mid 20s and from then on, it's just been a real struggle," Young said.

Longing to be healthier, Young considered gastric bypass surgery -- in essence having her stomach permanently reduced in size. But, she felt it was too radical.

"Of someone whose 30 and looking to have children someday ... the thought of rerouting my digestive system was very concerning to me," she said. This week, Heather became the first patient in New England to try a new type of weight loss surgery. Instead of stapling her stomach, doctors used a newly FDA approved device called the lap-band.

"What we do is we thread this and we buckle it like the belt of your trousers. So this goes around the top of the stomach, leaving a very, very small chamber of stomach above this, typically about 1 ounce in size," Dr. Scott Shikora of New England Medical Center said.

The lap-band procedure is faster and in studies, has shown fewer complications than traditional stomach reduction operations. The best part ... it's adjustable.

"If the patient is having some symptoms, they're having difficulty with types of foods and their weight loss is better than it should be, we can actually loosen it a little bit," Shikora said.

But doctors warn that the lap band isn't for everyone. Patients don't lose as much weight ... about 1/3 less weight--than with traditional bypass surgery.

"Somebody who eats a lot of candy or ice cream or drinks a lot of beverages that contain sugar or high-calorie liquids can actually harm their weight loss or not lose weight despite the fact that this is functioning perfectly," Shikora said.

Young hopes to surgery will help her drop 125 pounds. She knows it won't be easy.

"I still have to do the hard work. I still have to diet and exercise. It's just going to enable me to finally get to beyond that plateau and get to that healthy weight that I can be at where I can live a healthy life," she said.

As with any major surgery, there are risks with the lap-band. It can slip or even erode into the stomach. Internationally, the re-operation rate is about 10 percent.

Surgeons here said that it won't replace traditional stomach stapling, but for the right patient, one committed to making lifestyle changes, it may be a good option.


Fatal collision may have been bizarre suicide

DIAMOND BAR -- A man's alleged suicide didn't work out as he had planned Wednesday morning, but was effective nonetheless.

The man, possibly in his 60s, apparently fastened a 3-foot pole to the dashboard of his late-model American car and attempted to impale himself on it by driving into a pillar of the Orange (57) Freeway, said Sgt. Randy Lascuraim of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

"We cannot account for a metal bar that was placed on top of the dashboard, through the steering wheel ... sticking out, pointing toward the driver's seat," Lascuraim said. "It kind of appears that this death was a little more than an accident."

The metal bar, pointing at the man's neck, somehow missed as he was thrust into the steering wheel, which in itself caused enough injury to kill him, Lascuraim said.

"It was a little bizarre," he said. "I don't think it quite worked out the way he intended."

The man carried no identification and sheriff's homicide detectives are investigating his identity and a possible motive for the crash, which occurred at about 8:45 a.m.

A witness told investigators the man was driving southbound on Brea Canyon Road and crossed the center median at about 40 mph to slam into the pillar.

The man's car had no open containers of alcohol and the smell of alcohol was not present, Lascuraim said.



Wisdom Culled From the World Wide Web for mine own and thine edification and moral improvement:

If someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and if you're going to go to the trouble of brain-washing someone, it would be a huge waste of time and effort to simply allow your victims to walk around all un-controlled and stuff. I think so.


So, I ran this through wharfinger's insidious Markov Chain Toy again and again. If read aloud, keeping identical intonation for the phrases, one has at hand a cheap and easy form of mind-control and need not go around all un-controlled and stuff. I think so.

Markov Chain Toy narrows its eyes and says:

allow your victims to go to the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and if you're going to go to the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and

controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and effort to the purpose of brain-washing someone, it would be a huge waste of controlling people's actions? Mind control, and

If someone is using mind control, it would be a huge waste of time and if you're going to simply allow your victims to go to simply allow your victims to walk around all un-controlled and if you're going to go to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to walk around all un-controlled and stuff.

If someone, it would be a huge waste of controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and effort to walk around all un-controlled and if you're going to the purpose of brain-washing someone, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of time and effort to go to the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and effort to the trouble of time and if you're going to go to go to go to the purpose of time and

If someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of controlling people's actions? Mind control, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control, it would be a huge waste of time and if you're going to walk around all un-controlled and stuff. I think so. I think so.

If someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and stuff.

If someone, it would be a huge waste of time and effort to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to go to go to simply allow your victims to go to the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and effort to go to walk around all un-controlled and stuff. I think so.

If someone is using mind control, and stuff. I think so. I think so.

If someone is using mind control, and if you're going to the purpose of time and effort to the trouble of controlling people's actions? Mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the trouble of brain-washing someone is using mind control, and effort to walk around all un-controlled and if you're going to go to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to go to the purpose of time and if you're going to go to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to simply allow your victims to go to simply allow your victims to the purpose of brain-washing someone, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the trouble of brain-washing someone is using mind control, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and stuff.

If someone is using mind control, and if you're going to simply allow your victims to walk around all un-controlled and if you're going to go to simply allow your victims to the purpose of controlling people's actions? Mind control, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and effort to walk around all un-controlled and if you're going to go to simply allow your victims to walk around all un-controlled and stuff.

If someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, can't we pretty much assume that it's for the purpose of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, it would be a huge waste of brain-washing someone is using mind control isn't exactly cheap or easy, and if you're going to go to I think so.


Okay. My use of his Markov Toy initially made poor wharfinger all sad and stuff because I just kept feeding it its own output. I think so.

So I ran through another bit of text:

to SON: I'm not asking for much.

The lazy Main Street of a puppy.. The lazy Main Street of sweater had bits of it too, laughing Oh, NO!

MAN: I'm not asking for much. he's just.... wrong, son) out to do it too, I approve? What does it... It feels so on one knee with his hand on a set of what came of cloth and driving (TOUCH THE PUPPY, NO!

MAN: In mortal terror DADDY, LITTLE BOY, as the puppy -- I'll say it. wrong, LITTLE BOY, à la Buddy Rich Oh, but Officer..

WIFE: Those things don't count.. right. They had bits of Touch and you'll learn to my car, NO! It feels so good to that puppy.. I. It's really a snap-brim hat, pursued by the Mayor speaks earnestly.. You didn't touch him in the next day!

POLICEMAN: Those things don't count. you saw me! It feels so.. I thought about a small Midwestern town, sir.?

SON: Suddenly nervous I mean, buries head, Son. The MAN; BOY, yes. Touches the name tag. But I thought about a picture of a boy, turns back to understand my importance in the grocery store, pursued by the puppy THERE! ) With both of cloth and he's going to that understood? Do you patted his hand on his SON's shoulder..? Never mind, it's only his head, à la Buddy Rich Oh, buries head, sir, it's uninteresting. Yes, what are you doing to that understood?

WIFE: (Stands up) SILENCE, officer?

The Mayor speaks earnestly.....

WIFE, you'll be touching that! We're off to understand my car, sir, he can go now....

A MAN: Cuts POLICEMAN: I touch -- one knee with his SON's shoulder. what came of what are you are you scratched him! ) With both of it.. It feels so good enough. One of those books for much. The lazy Main Street of what are you even though it's only his hand on one knee with his WIFE clutches her purse, Son. A MAN: With a small Midwestern town, I'll say it -- wait and he's just a gray flannel suit and See books for much. It's wrong, à la Buddy Rich. Oh, Son, you.

Scene: But sir.. And this boy touch the sidewalk, NO! -- I'll say it matter? Never mind, and so that a little bit of sweater had bits of Touch and driving (TOUCH THE PUPPY, officer?! I am, I'll say it too, or. You didn't really a boy, on one knee with his WIFE clutches her purse, NO!

In line at the puppy sometimes. Blrfl Flermalerma Senior.. Collects himself. But daddy. They had bits of you understand my importance in line at BOY!

MAN: Defeated Yes, officer?

MAN gives the audience, officer?

MAN: Yes, it's only a sweater had bits of what came of what are you patted his first puppy tomorrow, and See books for much...?! I to humor your vanity.. His WIFE: Stands up SILENCE, and while standing there in late spring. One of Touch and you doing to touch the name tag].

MAN: (Eyes downcast) What does it make a child wearing a boy here is down on one knee with his SON's shoulder. You're J.. Blrfl Flermalerma.. Sir?

POLICEMAN: I'm not asking for children....

MAN; BOY, nervously.... I.?

POLICEMAN: He's only a boy, that's not asking for much. Blrfl Flermalerma..

Scene: With a long cold look. It's wrong, LITTLE BOY, yes, yes, and I knew..

WIFE, you'll be expected to touch the puppy tomorrow, darling, Son. That's exactly who I am, I'll say it. Touches the puppy there in late spring. They had bits of cloth and you scratched him! We're off to SON, but Officer. You're J.... I saw me! I touch the puppy.. But. yes... They had bits of cloth and a small Midwestern town, very good enough.

WIFE: 1948. I. Oh, LITTLE BOY, yes, so forth embedded in line at the puppy) while standing there in late spring.

We're off to do approve?

And this community?

MAN: I already touched him in his head, buries head, laughing. Oh, sir.... The lazy Main Street of Touch and a dreamy, sir. You didn't touch my importance in late spring. And this boy, sir... what came of Touch and you didn't touch this is what? Do you.

MAN looks stricken. Blrfl Flermalerma.. You didn't really a puppy..

WIFE: But daddy.

POLICEMAN: Eyes downcast What does it.


A Field Guide to the Cognitively Disabled:

(I found these stories on the Web.)

One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.

I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.

I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"

One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.

I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.

My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and shifted the selector back to "D."

I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......

My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."

I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be $1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.

I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"

I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was. She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you get an A on it?"

I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!

My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."

After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"

My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"

We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"

In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"

I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on me.)

I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to sign it yet and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't signed, gave me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So she proceeds with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then takes the card holds it up next to the receipt and compares the signatures…

My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"

I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.

My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized that it was a part of their car.

My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.

After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!

My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"

This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching YOUR kids someday.

To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.

Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."

Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket!

I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)

Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!

I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard, "chop..chop..chop."

I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"

One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.

During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught our attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this day.

One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"

My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"

I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."

One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."

Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me. They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!" and hung up on me.

A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles?

I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they look at ME weird!

One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"

My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."

My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"

I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out for a little fresh air"!

I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."

I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.

I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.

The Burger King near my house used to keep their soda cup lids right next to the soda machine. One day I went into the restaurant and they had changed the soda machines. I ordered a small drink and they put the lid inside the cup. I took the lid out of the cup so I could fill it up. Since I was so used to seeing the lids next to the soda machines, I turned to the man behind me and said, "Excuse me. Do you know where they keep the lids?" The man looked at me, looked at the lid in my hand, and then looked back at me. I really hope I never run into that man again.

My father has always enjoyed VERY spicy foods. One time he purchased an ornamental pepper tree, plainly labeled "not for human consumption." Weeks go by and he is growing ever more curious, after all, peppers are peppers - right? We (father and kids) were watching TV one night and curiosity had gotten the better of him. He pulled a pepper off the tree, cut the end off with his pocket knife and sampled his mini vegetable. He placed the pepper and the knife on the table next to the plant, shrugged and wandered off. Well, like father, like son, my brothers looked at each other, each cut a piece of pepper and sampled it. Almost instantly I saw flames blowing from their ears and tears streaking their faces...They dashed into the kitchen to try to find some relief and instead found our dad stuffing ice cubes into his mouth!!


"The weak and the cowardly have no place in shuffleboard."
--Phil Hartman



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