It's been 17 days... 17 days since I last heard her voice. 19 days since I last saw her, since I last held her in my arms. She had surgery, she had her tonsils and abnoids taken out, she stayed over night at the hospital. She is 16 years old, I am 17. I stayed by her side the whole time, watching her sleep, scared as this is the first time I've seen someone so close to me hooked up to an IV. She was in a lot of pain and discomfort. We had been dating for a year and a half. She took my virginity, or you could say I gave it to her. I was absolutely in love and wanted to marry her and be with her forever. We talked about our future together all the time. This was the girl of my dreams. And I fucked it up.
I have hit her. I have called her names. I have hurt her. I have hurt her so bad that it hurt me. I believe I have bipolar disorder and probably lots of other problems but I've never been diagnosed. She left me, 17 days ago. 5 days after her surgery. She came over my house every day, and I took care of her. We hadn't been in a fight in nearly 3 months. She called me on the phone the next morning, asking to come over as she always did. I was in a bad mood that morning, I said yes but for some reason she insisted on asking me several times. I yelled at her and said "stop fucking asking the same damn question, I said yes". She said "fuck you" and hung up. Those were the last words I heard from her. She left a message on my myspace page a few minutes later saying "I think we should break up" which really hurt me, so me being the tough ass that I am, trying not to show how hurt I was, replied "Yeah, lets break up".
We have been in a dozen fights worse than this, and always we got back together within hours, or a day or two at the most. We have talked several times via IM's and myspace/facebook messages throughout these past 17 days. And I beg her to take me back. She seems so over me, I see her new photos and she looks amazing, so much more alive without me. I am so miserable, too miserable to even take a photo. I've been crying my eyes out for 17 days. The reason I came across this everything2.com website, is because I had tried to hang myself from my doorway, unfortunately the rope actually snapped, so I just decided to tie it around my neck and pull it tight. It actually took away the horrible headache I had from crying and punching myself in the head. I am so lost without her... I googled easy ways to kill yourself, and one link lead me to a story on this site, I followed links and ultimately came across: "the choice you have to make" and: I cough up butterflies along with several others that really relaxed me.
This girl is the only girl I've been with, the only girl I want to be with, this breakup caught me so off guard. I ask myself why she doesnt love me anymore every 2 seconds. I cry, I don't even realize how I can cry anymore... I wonder where these tears keep coming from. My head feels like it's going to explode. I feel so alone. I lie in my bed, and turn to my right, facing the wall, the wall where all of the photos of her and I are taped on. She put them up there. I begin to tear them down. Crying. I stop, I stare at one photo of her smiling at me, looking right at her, I ask, "why dont you love me anymore?".
I have my fathers issues. He has his fathers issues. I hit her, I swear at her, I hurt her. I love her. I miss her.
17 days and I'm still crying. I wish I was dead. How could she move on when she promised me forever? She promised me forever. But not one phone call. She has done bad things to me and never would I turn my back on her like this. Never.
I love her so much. I still do, I would forgive anything she would do. Why doesnt she love me...why doesnt she love me, I cry as I write this. I can understand her being upset about things I've done. But to leave me, at a time when I felt like everything was fine between us and we were so happy, I will never understand. Her not talking to me for 17 days, I will never understand. It's been 17 days since I've heard her voice. And I miss it so much. I need her way more than she needs me, I guess. I'm looking at the phone right now, wishing it would ring. Every time it does, I grab it, smiling, and quickly my smile fades as I realize it's not her calling. 17 days and I still love you, Jayde.