Here be Cows

Bovines are an interesting and tasty species with a rather developed oral and gesture-based language. In having only one language, Mooish, the bovine have managed to attain a level of perfection that has long eluded humankind. Our most tender of brethren communicate at a frequency just below that of normal human hearing leading to the common belief that cattle have nothing but 'moo' to say. The startling truth is 'moo' and the rarely heard 'meh' are merely the only two utterances within humans' inferior range of hearing.

To the average person a bovine is only a growing steak bellowing 'moo' every several seconds and consuming huge amounts of plant matter in order to further the process. The 'moo' often heard is actually the middle syllable in the three syllables of the word 'huh-moo-hum' which is a friendly greeting. Rarely the 'moo' heard might be the word 'guh-moo' meaning roughly 'please do not murder me and consume my corpse.' If you have the unfortunate luck of hearing a male bovine speak 'meh' be forewarned he might be saying 'meh- huh' or 'remove yourself from my presence' in English. A related word and one often mistaken for 'meh-huh' is 'meh-geh' a friendly phrase meaning 'please allow me to copulate with you.'

Gestures in Mooish are of two types: tail and hoof gesticulations. Most tail gesticulations are passive and imply either 'yup yup' or communicate the phrase 'there are a lot of flies by my anus.' In contrast, hoof gesticulations are active modifiers of verbal phrases. The most common hoof gesture is two or three scratches at the ground which modifies any phrase it appears either during or just after with 'you stupid white monkey.'


Mooish the unified language dates back over 10,000 years but the roots stretch to almost 50,000 years before the time of Christ. Long before humanity discovered masturbation, the bovines had created a global civilization built upon a foundation of trade and peace. At that time bovines spoke and wrote one of three languages determined by geographic location: Mogish for North and South America, Guhese in Asia and pacific islands, and Hooian in Europe and Africa. Once war broke out between the bovines and ancient man, a council for the creation of a single universal tongue was commissioned. By combining Mogish and Hooian, the American and Euro/African factions alienated the Asian faction causing them to ally with the growing human civilization even though the humans' habit of consuming fallen bovine warriors was extremely troubling to all bovine kind.

War raged for so long that nothing was left standing except for a few stone structures such as Stonehenge and the Great Pyramid. Billions of bovines, humans, and an occasional antelope died during the 20,000-year war burning in every corner of the earth. After seeing the near destruction of every bovine in South America the bison clan formed a peaceful treaty with the remaining humans. The European oxen tried a similar tactic but the flood of humanity could not be stopped and the survivors were hidden away in death camps. Few bovines even survived the war in Africa and the Asians who fought so bravely with the humans found a bitter end when after a few cold winters the humans started eating them too.