Have you ever wondered how the world would have turned out if Jeff K. had been around when the great literary works of Western civilization were being written? If so, you must be some kind of jerk. But never fear, because you and your script kiddie friends are probably capable of getting your older brother to design a Jeff K. version of one of those programs that comically transforms real text into a hilarious interpretation of what some two-bit flavour-of-the-month comedy character might say.

Now I'm not your older brother, and my programming abilities extend little beyond confusing the Word paper clip by asking it whether it thinks the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies or the ass. I therefore suggest that someone more learned than I design a Jeff K. bot to amuse and delight the kind of person (me) who still thinks the best way to look like a geeze online is to namecheck Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka.

Here's my own attempt to Jeff.K-ify some of the best-loved classics of literature. Imagine if Jeff K. had written Genesis:

in teh beginninhs GOd created the heavens and teh earthas!!!11 2 The eahrt was withouyt forms and voi;d adn drakness was on teh face of the depe. And the wspirit of GOD wwas hoverring over teh face of the waters liek a fagort. 3 then goDS SAIDS "let their be lihgt!!!£ and their was lihgt 4 and god sawed that it was good and goid dividad the lights from the dsrkness#. 5 GDOD caled the light DAYS and teH DARkness he called nihgts so the eveninf an the mororning were TEH FIRSDAT DAYS!!1 tiem!! 6 then god who is A BIG SMARTY MANS LIKE BILL GATE AND IM NOT SCARED OF HIM BECUASE WINDOWS SUX0RS sayed "let theyre be a FIRMNAMENNENTS IN TEH MI@dst of the watersm (whatebar that si) andlet it divides the watersa from teh waters.
And here is the end of Revelation:
16 I JESAS haev sent my angal to tesitfy to YUO THesi things in teh chruches., I am the root and the offsripingm of Davids (my brothar has a GAY freind called caled David, he probely lieks teh offspring since he's a FAGORT), the brihgt and Mornings star;1. 17adn the spiritw and the bridtfe says comes!!!1" SAND LET HIM who heares say "come!!1" and let him who thirsts come! whoever desires, lte him taek the WRATERS of lief freely. 18 for i testafy to everone who heres the words of teh phrophecies of this BOOK; if ANYOEN ADDS TO THIS THINSG GOD WILL ADDs him to teh plauges that aer writtan in this book. 19 And if aynone tkes aways from teh words of teh book of this prophacy, GOD shall tske awsy his part from the BOOK OF LIFES< FROM THE HOLY CITTY AND FROM THE THINGS WHICH are writan in this book. 20 he who testafies to these thngis says "SUERLY I AM COMING QUICKLY" amens!!!!111 - EVEN SO, come, LORD JESAS. 21 teh graces of our LORD JESAS CHRSIT be with yuo all AMENS.
And, of course, the Ten Commandments, Kyanka-style:
  • yuo shall have no othar GOD befor ME
  • you shallt not mkae your for yuorselves a carved IMAGE
  • you shall not taked thw name of teh LORDS YUOR GOD in vain for teh LRods will NOT HOLD you giltless,.
  • Remember the sabath day (black sabbeth SUCKS btw)*to keep it HOLIE
  • honuor yuor FATHER and YUOUR motjher, that your days may be long upon teh labnd.
  • you not shall NOT murdar.
  • yuo shall not commit adultary.
  • yuo shakll steal ooops you SHALL NOT STEWALS.
  • you shall not giev a BEAR to yuor FALSE WITNESSESES of your neighbar.
  • yuo shall not cover your neighbours, their house or your neighbars wife nor his MAIL SERVENTS nor his femael servent nor his cock1 nor his ass eithar FAGORTS.
* "btw si a secrat code (like htaml( which means what your saying si EXTREMLY importent

Any offers?