Badasses. You've seen them on TV, you've seen them in prison, hell you've probably been mugged by one. Do you long to be a badass? Long no further, sissy boy.

Firstly, to be a badass you must think like a badass. You may see a pair of scissors, but to a badass, it's a "throat removal device". A badass would remove your throat instead of trying to cut some string. It works for many household objects. A kettle? Used for boiling water for your morning tea? Nope, that's a "scalding device". Bag of change? Used to purchase candy? Nope, that's a bruising device. Baseball bat? Afraid not, that's used for breaking ribs. You get the idea.

Next, you must start your day like a badass. How do you start your day? I bet it's something like...

Wake up.
Eat some cheerios.
Feed your cat.
Brush your hair.
Go outside and wait for the bus.
Catch the bus, pay your fare and sit down quietly.

Right? If so, then you, my friend, are not a badass. Here's how Chuck Norris does it.

Wake up hungover.
Eat some gunpowder.
Feed your albatross. (albatrosses are badass, don't ask why)
Brush the dry blood out of your hair.
Go outside and commandeer a bus.
Drive that sucker to the nearest cemetery and run down some mourning widows.

Try to do that in the morning, if possible. I know albatrosses are hard to come across, and gunpowder doesn't taste nice, but man, stop being such a sissy.

Next you have to beat some people up. If you don't beat people up for no reason whatsoever then people won't think you're a badass. Go outside and punch the first person you find, then you say "OI, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FAGGOT, YOU GOT IN THE WAY OF MY FIST". Then before they even have time to respond, start beating on them until you knock them unconscious. Then you throw them into the middle of the road, commandeer the nearest steamroller and crush them. True badass style.

Here's a list of people who deserve to be beaten up.

  • Hippies
  • Vegetarians
  • The aged
  • Wil Wheaton (what a little shit)
  • Jehovas witnesses
  • Jehova himself

    Also, you have to break the law. Here's a scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark that illustrates my point beautifully:

    Waitress: Welcome to the Lost Ark cafe, may I take your order?
    IJ: Yeah, I'll have a bucket of gunpowder.
    Waitress: And to drink?
    IJ: Five gallons of kerosene.
    Waitress: (leaves and comes back)
    Waitress: We're out of gunpowder, sir.
    Waitress: (cowers and crawls away)
    Manager: (comes to the table) Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to...
    IJ: (grabs manager, breaks him in half over his knee and looks at the waitress) I'm getting tired of this place, have you got my gunpowder?
    Waitress: I'm sorry sir, we don't have any. I got your kerosene though.
    IJ: (downs the kerosene in one, undoes zipper and pisses all over the waitress's face)
    Waitress: Oh gross!
    IJ: (pulls out lighter, ignites kerosine-laden urine and laughs as the waitress goes up in flames)

    See, he knows that arson is illegal, but does he care? Hell no, he's a badass. Signs on walls can give you pointers on what to do, here are some examples.

    "No smoking" - smoke
    "No alcohol" - drink
    "Highly flammable" - get your matches

    Nexy lesson, avenge things. Badasses always avenge things, be it their father's death, or the loss of a sandwich, they will avenge it. Here's something that happened to my friend "Dangerous Dave"

    DD: (bumps into some guy and spills his pint everywhere)
    Guy: Sorry mate, let me buy you another one.
    DD: (look of pure malice)
    Guy: Hey, don't worry about it man, I said I'll buy you another one.
    DD: Are you going to buy me a new shirt too?
    Guy: No, now you're just being ridiculous.
    DD: Don't worry about it, no harm done. (turns around and goes back to his seat)

    Right now you're probably thinking "Huh? Dave's a pussy, why didn't he kick that guy's ass?" Just watch, Dave does it with style.
    (15 minutes later)
    DD: (taps guy on the shoulder) Excuse me.
    Guy: Yeah? Oh hey, I remember you from the bar.
    DD: Wanna hear a joke?
    Guy: Sure.
    DD: What did the glass bottle say to the face?
    Guy: I don't know, what?
    DD: SMASH! *proceeds to bottle the sissy*
    Guy: Oh Jesus Christ! I think I'm dying!
    DD: Don't worry, I'll buy you a new bottle.

    See how skillfully Dave avenged his pint? Pure brilliance.

    Well that's pretty much the basics of being a badass. There's still much more to learn though, like ninjitsu and piracy.

    Did you like my guide? Good, because I don't like you, you sissy.