August 10, 2000 (idea)
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Warning: This is a completely self-indulgent day log.
I have been too too busy at work to spend any time having fun on E2 for the better part of 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I don't see an end in sight. My work is boring and repetitive as hell, but vitally important to the customer. And for some damn reason, I care. I tried not to, but I think they brainwashed me. I feel guilty about spending this much time to node this and I am on my lunch break! AAAAACK!
Well, to more important things than work and the real reason why I had to write this and why this is a completely self-indulgent day log: I fear my 11 year marriage may be coming to an end. SHIT - I can't even type this without the tears pouring down my face - thank god no one sits in this room with me.
We had a really big fight last night. It didn't even last that long, I just yelled and screamed that he just didn't get "it" and stomped out of the room after he said I was being unreasonable. Me - unreasonable. I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNREASONABLE IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I can always see everyone else's point of view. I can even see his POV. He wants to do something on Sunday and I said no. He is not getting what he wants. And usually I will give in and let him do what he wants. And at this point since I don't want to be around him, he probably will get what he wants anyway on Sunday.
Sorry if this is totally confusing you. I'll try to explain. My husband has a truck - a GMC Typhoon. He has spent nearly every weekend this summer either working on it, working on someone else's, going to car/truck shows, or going to the race track. We planned on taking vacation Friday and Monday to make a long weekend this weekend and go away somewhere, spend some quality time together. However, when I called to make reservations at the beach, there was nothing available for under $200/night. Then I spent another night trying to find a hotel in Mystic, CT with no luck again. After 3 days of trying to find someplace with availability, that wouldn't cost us an arm and a leg, I gave up and suggested we just find some local things to do. Like going to a park, or the county fair, or antique shopping closeby. He agreed. I said further that I didn't want to do anything truck related - just us, not us & the truck. Again he agreed.
So last night, he came downstairs after reading his e-mail, and announced that I can be mad at him. Instantly I know that he has agreed to do something truck related this weekend with someone. And I was right. He said that someone has a piece of equipment for just this weekend that can tell where a vibration is coming from on a vehicle and this guy is coming over on Sunday. I just had enough at that point. I am tired of coming second after his truck. I wanted to spend this weekend reconnecting with him. He has spent so much time away from me with his damn truck that I just didn't (don't?) feel like we were "we" anymore. And I said no, he could not do his truck thing this weekend. And then he told me I was unreasonable.
Well fuck off. I have been "reasonable" all summer and all it got me was left alone on nearly every fucking Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
He slept in the guest room last night - not because I kicked him out. He was already in there when I came up to go to bed. So I guess he's pissed off at me. He took his stuff into the spare bathroom and got ready for work this morning. He hid my keys last night (I guess he thought I might try to leave last night) so the only exchange of words this morning was me asking for my keys.
But as I have thought about this all day, I just don't see a resolution. I hate his truck, he loves it. Even if he sold the truck he would find some other vehicle to work on because that is what he likes to do. And I honestly don't want to take it away from him, I just want him to pay more attention to me than he does the doormat (which of course he does when he wants sex...but that is about the only time). We have even had this argument before...and here we are again, so nothing changed.
I just wish I knew what to do at this point. I actually thought about suicide last night as I cried alone in bed. I dismissed it pretty quickly because I don't want to cause anyone else pain. (Sounds pretty reasonable, HUH?) I even thought about packing a suitcase and going to a nearby motel for the weekend alone and leaving him a note saying I would be back on Monday. And maybe this is still a good idea, but I will just be miserable all weekend. I guess I'll just see what happens tonight.
Thanks for letting me vent...again.